Inz Lovestruck

The Very Last

2011-12-15T12:30:00.002+08:00

It's been almost a year since I posted on this blog.. I had no intention of keeping it but I decided this will be my very last post here..

So my last few posts were about a boy.. He was a schoolmate at Shatec.. We were close friends and we fell in love.. It was good will it lasted.. Such great times I had with him.. But one fine day, I had to let him go.. He wanted to chase his dreams and our relationship was giving him insecurities.. The aftermath of the breakup wasn't good.. It lasted for months.. Tears and more tears.. Till one day, I slipped into depression.. I got the help I needed and slowly I'm trying to build myself up again..

I chose to let go of every thing that reminds me of him.. My friends, my life with them.. It broke my heart, it really did.. But I know it was the right thing to do and it was the best for us both.. To be completely free of distractions.. For us to be better Muslims.. I know some of my friends took it the wrong way, saying bad things about my decision but it doesn't really matter.. I know I made the right choice..

So what's happening now?? I got accepted to an university and insya'allah I'm looking for a suitable job as we speak.. I met a new guy who seems really nice and we shared a long in common.. I'm not looking for anything more than harmless friendship but I guess that depends on Allah S.W.T.. Whatever is his will.. I accept..

As for that boy.. I wish him all the best in his life.. Perhaps one day we'll meet again, perhaps not.. But he will always have a special place in my heart.. I can't ever forget our love.. But we must go our separate ways..

Khairil Ardy.. I've missed you..

Burnt

2010-12-01T23:31:00.002+08:00

I shouldn't have played with fire.. .. I shouldn't have.. .. I knew from the start that it's just not possible but I let my feelings carry me away.. .. He makes me happy, he makes me forget about my ex., he's there when I needed him but for some reason, I want more.. .. I can't let that happen.. .. I won't destroy our friendship.. .. I won't let history repeat himself.. .. I've lost my ex, I can't lose him too.. .. Why do I keep falling for the people I'm not suppose to fall for?? What's the point of me getting over my ex then?? I want to run away from the world and hide until these feelings go away.. .. I made it go away once, I can make it go away this time.. .. The only way is to shut myself out the world.. .. I'm sorry everyone, I must do this again.. .. It's the only way I can save my heart from breaking again.. .. I must let him go before it's too late.. ..

HDB Cat Ban

2010-11-28T21:37:00.003+08:00

The whole issue is ridiculous!! I never even knew it exists till recently, when we got a notice from HDB to remove the cats from our premises.. .. It's absurd!! I hope the person who caused all this to happen suffer for the rest of his life and die a terrible death.. .. Even then, I hope he burns in hell for eternity.. .. It's so heartless, how can anyone do such a thing?? Cats are loving creatures.. .. I miss my babies.. .. I spent every single waking moment in shrouded in sadness thinking of my babies' fate.. .. I don't know where my dad has sent them off.. .. I don't know how are they gonna fend for themselves.. .. They are domestic cats, not stray cats.. .. Who will feed them and love them the way we did?? Dear God, I beg you to watch over them when we can't.. ..

What insults me the most was them saying that dogs could be kept as pets while cats can't.. .. That isn't fair!! Dog are dirtier, loud and noisy.. .. They urinate anywhere they like.. .. How are they exempted for the policy?? I've looked through the net and found out that appeals have been made by various parties to reverse the ban but the government ignores us.. .. What does this say about our government?? Refusing to listen to us even though it has been made clear that the policy is flawed and biased?? So much for democracy!! This is an outrage!!

This is clear now that their kind, their whole fucking race only care about themselves.. .. I hate them.. .. This is only a fraction of their evil doings.. .. Our people are being oppressed.. .. They're suffering!! I have been misguided all along, supporting their kind.. .. Never will I anymore.. .. I've seen the truth and I pray to God that our time will come soon.. .. These people must pay for their evil doings!! Allahu Akbar!!

22nd Birthday

2010-11-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

I turn 22 today and I had an awesome birthday celebration last night with Ardy, Bernice, Shawal, Nat and her friend, Saleha.. .. The night started with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.. .. Boring movie ever.. .. I didn't watch the last one so I did not get it.. .. Neither did the others.. .. Yadiy was working and he gave us free popcorn but he was a bit moody that night.. .. Hmmm.. .. Lately each time I saw him, he always not in a good mood.. .. I kinda miss his joker self.. .. Oh well.. ..

After the movie, we bought supper at Mcdonald's.. .. Initially we wanted to eat there but we decided to smuggle food into Kbox.. .. We sang till 6am and we had a great time!! This is the first time in years that I did not celebrate my birthday in a club.. .. No alcohol either.. .. Just pure fun.. .. I'm glad.. ..

I was surprised to receive SO many posts on my Facebook wall.. .. I am deeply touched.. .. I'm blessed to have such great friends and I love my life so much!!

Goals

2010-11-19T20:53:00.002+08:00

I went to KL with my family last Sunday.. .. We left on Tuesday and spent the night at my Aunt's house in J.B till Wednesday, spending Aidiladha with a steamboat lunch.. .. It was extremely nice to get away from my hectic life.. .. Even though a lot of things happened there which kinda turns down the mood.. .. The never ending rain, my dad and his tantrums.. .. Oh well, this kinda thing happens every year.. .. I still had fun.. .. I'm still hoping I could go there with my friends next time.. .. With them, it's all talk but no action.. .. We've been talking about a trip for years but it never happened.. .. Regardless, after I complete my WDA bond, I'm definitely taking a trip by myself.. .. A backpacking tour most like.. .. I hope my intentions will materialize.. .. When I say I want something, I do it.. ..

Anyway, I can't wait for Monday.. .. Gonna spent the night with Ardy, Bernice, Nat and Wal.. .. I'm hopping that Man and Zy could join us too.. .. Nat's birthday falls on the 22nd so yeah, we're gonna celebrate it too.. .. Despite 23rd being my birthday, I really don't feel like celebrating because a year older means a year short of reaching my goals before a certain age.. .. I desperately need a career, financial security and ultimately, a stable and happy relationship.. .. None of which I have.. .. Sadly, I'm still hung over my ex despite his friend telling me that me and him, it's never gonna happen.. .. It's easy for me to move on with life but it's impossible for me to forget him.. .. Forget this love and deep feelings I have for him.. ..

Enough about him.. .. I need to work on my goals fast and time is running!! Already, a number of my friends are starting families.. .. Talk about peer pressure.. .. Marriage is obviously not as simple as the inclination to smoke or drink because your friends are doing it.. .. The idea is tempting, yes but it's not a simple thing to actualize.. .. Career wise, I still don't know if this kitchen life is meant for me.. .. I simply cannot imagine myself as a chef, slogging hard even when I'm 40.. .. I need a back up plan, as my mom repeatedly tells me.. .. She wants me to go back to school, take up a different course and get myself a regular office job.. .. My dad on the other hand wants me to start a business.. .. Maybe I will but I guess I should focus on completing my internship first.. .. It's kinda sad that my friends are ending theirs next month and I still have five months left.. .. I so cannot wait to go up to that stage in ceremonial gown, receiving my well deserved diploma.. .. I hope time will fly by!!

Fate

2010-11-13T20:36:00.002+08:00

Newsflash.. .. I found out that he did saw me the other night and that he does know how I feel about him all this while.. .. I also found out that he thinks I should accept that we aren't fated to be together.. .. Frankly, I wasn't caught off guard.. .. I probably knew it all along but my heart just refuses to acknowledge it.. .. I still felt that slow aching pain.. .. The feeling of hopes crashing down on me.. .. Wishing that it wasn't true.. ..

I have to believe that God decides fate, not him.. .. But it doesn't really matter.. .. Whether or not we're fated to be together.. .. My sole intention isn't to revive our relationship.. .. Yes, I love him, I miss him.. .. My heart longs to be with him.. .. But I know that even if we did get back, it'll never be the same.. .. I just want us on good terms.. .. I just can't face him, knowing that we had a history and now we're both just acting that we don't even know each other.. .. I want to be able to look and him and feel glad knowing that we used to have something special, not be sad knowing we're nothing more than strangers.. ..

Yet again, God decides fate.. .. I have my faith in God that he shall be fair.. .. I surrender myself to his will.. .. Till we meet again, my dear.. .. I will always love you.. ..

He's the Only One

2010-11-10T19:13:00.002+08:00

I saw my ex yesterday.. .. It was sudden and unexpected and I was totally caught off guard.. .. My heart literally stopped beating.. .. I was totally shaken.. .. I don't know why I reacted in such a way.. .. That's not how it's suppose to be like.. .. That is not how I imagined it to be.. .. My friends said I looked pale and left so suddenly, they had no time to absorb what happened.. .. Of course, they found out a second later that it was him who caused me so much distraught.. .. They've seen his pictures.. .. They recognized him.. .. I don't know if he saw me.. .. I think he did.. .. It envies me how he could put up a serene face despite our history.. .. Yet every single time I look into his eyes, he never really met mine.. .. What really lies behind that mask??

I don't understand why I was able to face him during our last encounter but not yesterday.. .. Why did I leave?? I was so sudden and before I knew it, I was already out from that place.. .. I've always told myself that if I ever bump into him, I would at least give a smile.. .. But I could do it then.. .. I felt so stupid and ashamed over my childish behavior.. .. Bah!! I'm supposed to be over him.. .. Not run away at the sight of him.. .. I guess I'll never know what my heart wants.. ..

Of course I miss him.. .. He's the only I could ever love.. .. But I moved on.. .. I set my own life.. .. My happiness doesn't depend on him.. .. I can live without him.. .. But I'll never stop loving him.. .. He can run far away from me, ignore me, break my heart over and over again but he can never make me stop loving him.. .. Because in my heart, there's only room for one and it's him.. ..

Slacking at Home

2010-10-26T20:31:00.001+08:00

I spent the last two days at home slacking.. .. It feels great to take a break off work.. .. Sadly, I must return to work tomorrow and I hope it'll be easy on me.. ..

Payday's coming soon but I can't shop much next month since I'm saving to redo my extensions.. .. Hopefully.. .. I'm planning to get curls next.. ..

I can't wait for October to be over soon because it brings me to much painful memories.. .. I really can't seem to get him off my mind and I missed him so much.. ..

I don't know what the future holds for me.. .. Everything seems so uncertain.. ..

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Life is Unexpected

2010-10-25T21:42:00.006+08:00

I went through yet another brief hiatus.. .. Much has happened since my last update.. ..

I started clubbing, drinking and smoking again, which I'm really hopping to stop before I get permanently addicted again.. .. Besides, I can't bear to let down a dear friend again and I will try my best for his sake because he means a lot to me and I love him so much.. .. The whole thing lasted two weeks and it was fun but life goes on and I have to keep my focus.. .. I'm not gonna let anything ruin what I've worked so hard for.. ..

I crossed paths with my ex again and I'm pretty satisfied for not breaking down on the sight of his face.. .. I kinda realized that he had never been able to look at me in the eye whenever I tried talking to him.. .. Oh well, I guess he still got issues.. .. I really hope one day we can be on good terms again.. .. Do I still have feelings for him?? Yes.. .. Do I still miss him?? Very much.. .. He is my ex after all and his mark had been permanently etched onto my heart but do I still hope for him?? NO.. .. However, I can't seem to get him off my mind.. .. Matters of my own heart remains a mystery to me.. ..

Well, I guess time will reveal why things happened the way they did.. .. I've been questioning myself a lot lately.. .. Perhaps, I even felt a little insecure.. .. I brought this on myself but hopefully things will go back to the way it was soon.. ..

Update

2010-09-28T05:29:00.003+08:00

Well, I haven't had time to blog and finally I managed to squeeze some time before I get to work and here's an update.. .. There wasn't much going on at work.. .. Same old thing.. .. Unbearable fatigue after ever shift.. .. No amount of sleep could restore my energy at all.. .. Sometimes, I could literally wake up and cry.. .. Something's definitely wrong with my body but well, I really don't know what I should do anymore.. .. I'm trying to kick out the painkiller addiction before I seriously grow dependent on it.. ..

Anyway, last week was Ardy's birthday and we had a blast.. .. I got a 1kg cake from my workplace and we brought it Highlander and gave him a little surprise.. .. I REALLY wanted to meet them earlier but since Bernice ended work at 12am, I had to wait for her before we could start the celebration.. .. Thankfully, I had Htut and Shawal to keep him occupied before I came by.. .. I really hope he likes the surprise.. .. After that we headed to Zirca and THANK GOD, Ardy got in.. .. It was quite a close call.. .. I was confident enough that Wal would get in but I wasn't sure about Ardy because Zirca loves rejecting Malay guys.. .. So far, I've never seen a hip-hop person regardless Malay or Chinese being rejected so that's why I thought Wal might get it.. .. But I haven't been there in months so I can't really say.. .. I'm just glad we got in.. .. The scene was pretty much the same.. .. Sadly, I couldn't find much energy to dance and by 2am, I was totally flat out.. .. The rest seemed to enjoy the club but Ardy wasn't really a club person so we sat outside for awhile and it was a RELIEVE to sit down.. .. The rest decided to call it quits a while later and so we headed to MacDonalds before going home after the train service starts.. .. Despite the total exhaustion, I was really glad to be spending the night with my friends.. ..

So, the exhaustion from that night hadn't really worn off despite having off the next day off.. .. Yesterday was the WORSE work day of my life.. .. We ended at 9pm because of spring cleaning and a last minute order.. .. I felt like crying.. .. I was so tired and all I wanted to do was crawl to my bed and die in my sleep.. .. I had my first tearful episode at work last week too because my brain shut down and I did the wrong item for a function.. .. Nobody reprimanded me but I just broke down and burst out crying.. .. I seriously want the old active, healthy me.. .. There's no point being happy when you're too exhausted to enjoy life..

To a certain someone.. .. You bring sunshine into my life in ways you can't possible know.. .. I'm blessed to know you and I love you so very, very much!!

Aidilfitri 2010

2010-09-14T00:05:00.002+08:00

I had no mood to celebrate Hari Raya.. .. I did not make plans to go out with my friends, I did not text anyone any Hari Raya message.. .. I did nothing.. .. I just followed where my family went and that's it.. .. Fortunately, it was bearable.. .. The food, the family bonding and the green packets was worth it.. .. It's sad cause I really don't feel it.. .. I have this long aching pain in my heart that I can't seem to get rid off.. ..

Anyway, I went to my aunt's house in JB on the third day and it was pretty okay.. .. We had a little karaoke session and I took a lot of pictures but unfortunately, my SD card crashed on me permanently so I lost all the pictures that I took in JB.. .. Luckily, mom bought my old Cybershot camera and I didn't go home empty handed.. .. I tried bring in my SD card to the warranty center today but they couldn't fix it and gave me a brand new card instead.. .. How cool.. .. I'd be sure to opt for Kingston products in the future.. ..

So well, Raya this isn't so bad as I initially thought, I guess.. .. The one date however still haunts me.. .. 13th September 2007.. .. I'll never forget this day and I hope he hasn't forgotten it either.. ..

Chronic Fatigue

2010-09-07T05:37:00.002+08:00

Ramadhan hasn't been a good month for me.. .. I'm constantly sick and my energy level is depleting every single day.. .. After two weeks of fasting, I finally gave up.. .. It still doesn't help.. .. I'm still feeling sickly and exhausted.. .. I could barely walk home.. .. Even if I went straight to bed right after I got home, I'll still sleep wake up feeling tired the next day.. .. I'm a mess.. .. I'm living off painkillers because I can't cope with the pain.. .. What the hell is wrong with me?? I use to be perfectly healthy.. .. I could work long hours with little sleep without any problems.. .. I really don't know what to do with myself.. ..

Working in the chocolate room hasn't been easy.. .. It's mentally affecting me too.. .. I'm getting slower and slower due to my low energy level.. .. I wonder what will happen if I got sent back to production.. .. My body can't take it anymore!! I still have seven months to bear.. .. Why isn't time on my side this time?? Help me dear God, I just want to go through with this in one piece.. .. Help me!!

Marina Bay Sands

2010-08-21T18:12:00.003+08:00

I had a nice time yesterday meeting up with Sharul, Liyana, Fadly and Aswat.. .. We did a little shopping at Suntec City and Liyana got me a shirt from Cotton On using her staff uniform deal.. .. She paid only $30 for $90 worth of clothings.. .. Amazing.. .. After Iftar at Marina Square, we toured the Marina Bay Sands.. .. It's a pretty place but it isn't fully completed yet.. .. Most of the shops are shops that we can never ever afford in our whole lifetime.. .. We took a lot of pictures on our DSLRs by the bay.. .. It was a very scenic night with lasers and lights.. .. I can imagine the whole place would be breathtaking once everything is complete.. .. Sharul let me play around with his wide-angle and zoom lenses.. .. The wide-angle lens, which is a third party brand by the way, already cost him $500 and his original Canon zoom lens costs $900.. .. Goodness, I wonder WHEN I'll be able to own my own zoom lens.. .. I guess I'll have to wait for quite a long time.. ..

So after Syakil joined us and Liyana went home, we headed to Causeway Point to watch Salt using Sharul's brother's complimentary tickets.. .. It was an awesome movie.. .. It's great to see an action movie with a heroine instead of a hero.. .. Angelina Jolie is really made for these roles.. .. She's awesome, I can say no more.. ..

Anyway, I'm still missing him.. .. I guess no matter what I do, I always end up at this very spot.. .. I.L.Y.. ..

Faking It

2010-08-17T23:02:00.004+08:00

I'm freaking stressed working in the chocolate room.. .. My hands are not made for delicate work.. .. I suck to the core, I'm blur, I'm clumsy-always damaging and dropping things and I'm jinxed.. .. My seniors are nice enough to be patient with me even though I know they're all pretty frustrated by now but I just can't do it.. .. I can't coat a cake properly despite being taught over and over again and I'm just too rough.. .. I hate pastry!! Production is too tiring and delicate work is just not my thing.. .. Why did I join Shatec in the first place?? I WANT OUT!!

I'm losing my passion for work day by day.. .. I don't belong in the kitchen.. .. I wish I could quit and drop everything but that will be going against everything I worked so hard for.. .. I can't give up.. .. I HAVE to fake my passion and bear with the next eight months.. .. I HAVE TO.. .. Dear God, give me strength to carry on.. ..

If I have a chance to fall in love again, I hope it will still be you.. .. I.M.Y.K.A.. ..

I.M.Y.K.A

2010-08-16T19:59:00.008+08:00

I.M.Y.K.A

Nostalgia

2010-08-14T00:50:00.003+08:00

Today is my last day in production.. .. I'll be working in the chocolate room from next week onwards.. .. Less hard labor for me but potentially longer hours.. .. I'll need lots of patience for all the fine work too.. .. The good thing is that I'll get to go home in time to break my fast with my family everyday.. .. I don't have to worry about waking up late in the morning either because I can go straight to work after my early morning meal.. .. My mom usually wakes all of us up for that.. ..

Ramadhan seems to have a nostalgic effect on me.. .. I miss the memories I had with my Cathay colleagues and the times at Charcoal and Shatec production with Ardy, Luqman, Fariz and Irah.. .. Most of all, I miss my ex.. .. I miss every single thing about him.. .. It's been years but those memories felt like they were only recent.. .. Even though he's not the same man that I once knew those years ago, I did miss him.. .. I can never ever replicate the feelings I had for him towards someone else.. .. How I wish I could go back in time just to share one kiss with him.. ..

But life goes on.. .. Oh memories, they will only stay as memories.. ..

Heat

2010-08-11T00:52:00.002+08:00

The weather's getting hotter and hotter.. .. Thank goodness the air-conditioner in my room still works.. .. I finally used it after three years.. .. With my parents' permission of course.. .. I really needed a good night sleep.. .. Work is exhausting.. .. Even my parents are thinking of using air-conditioning again.. .. I hope their decision is permanent.. .. Hehe.. .. I really can't sleep with the heat.. .. Anyway, tomorrow is the first day of Ramadhan.. .. Oh God, I really hope that work will have mercy on me this Ramadhan.. .. Please lessen my burden, dear God.. .. I really hope to complete the fasting month without skipping when I don't need too.. .. I'm so exhausted mentally, physically and emotionally.. .. Yet I know I CAN'T give up.. ..

I've decided to go to Poly after Shatec.. .. But I probably will only take up the part time course in Hospitality Management or Business Management and work at the same time.. .. My parents were right.. .. I should have taken up a regular desk job.. .. I was young and naive when I decided to go to Shatec.. .. I wanted thrill and excitement back then but I want different things now.. .. I want stability.. .. I need to act up my responsibilities as the eldest daughter to my parents.. .. I won't go anywhere being a chef.. .. It takes years of patience to get to that level.. .. Something I can't really afford.. .. Besides, I have no more energy left in my body.. .. It's such a shame because I really love working with food.. .. Even though we love something or someone with all our heart, sometimes it's just not meant to be.. ..

Moodless Evening

2010-08-09T19:25:00.002+08:00

Yeah, I've lost my mood.. .. Every last drop of it.. .. I'm not sure why but I was already feeling really down the last few days.. .. I literally have no energy to work and I had no off days last week.. ..

I was looking forward for a break off work today and I had planned to watch fireworks at Marina Barrage with my friends but they couldn't make it so I was utterly disappointed.. .. That was what squeezed my very last drop.. ..

So now I don't feel like doing anything and suddenly I feel very, very tired.. .. I feel so lonely and hopeless and I don't see the point of anything.. ..

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Back To Work

2010-08-07T19:30:00.001+08:00

I had to spend my two off days doing my orientation this week.. .. It was surprisingly interesting despite having nothing to do with my job.. .. Mostly customer service stuff but it kinda got me interested into joining the front desk line.. .. My mom agreed that I should go back to school after this and get a desk job instead.. .. I just have to convince my dad to agree as well.. .. He really wants me to start working.. ..

Anyway, my mom bought me the new Milestone XT phone.. .. I have to pay her back on installments of course.. .. I'm clueless when it comes to Android.. .. Luckily, both my brothers are pros in Android.. .. They helped me set up my phone.. .. I love it!!

Work gets more and more tiring each day.. .. Right now I'm spending my break lazing in the staff lounge and blogging this post on my phone.. .. Hehe.. .. 3.5 hours to go!!

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Crazy

2010-08-04T11:32:00.003+08:00

I'm exhausted and it gets worse each time I say it.. .. I have no off this week because apparently, I have to come back to work to do a two day orientation course on my two off days.. .. I will be reimbursed for those off days but I seriously don't know how I'm gonna get through the week without any proper rest.. .. WHY am I still not getting used to the kitchen life????!!!!

Last night was crazy.. .. My partner decided to let me stay behind and do the production work while he becomes the runner for that night.. .. I thought it was a relieve because I'm sick of being the runner every single night.. .. Apparently not.. .. There wasn't much for me to do.. .. I only have to cut and bake a dozen trays of cookies but then calls started coming in and I had to plate 20 ala-carte orders in one go!! The orders just kept coming in and I was ALONE in the kitchen.. .. Thank God, I pulled it through.. .. Those I was seriously delayed on baking those cookies, I managed to finish them just barely on time.. .. All I can say is welcome to Hell's Kitchen.. ..

Updates

2010-08-01T02:36:00.002+08:00

The past few days has been so-so.. .. I did enjoy the last few days of work before my long awaited off on Friday and Saturday.. .. Except of course for the part when I argued with an irritating steward over a stupid insert and some pathetic customer complained about me for not wearing gloves.. .. Well, I'm not gonna bother explaining the details.. .. Other then that, I had fun playing with chocolate and playing catching with the main kitchen boys.. .. Oh, not to forget there's this really cute and young banquet guy who seems really into me.. .. Since I'm single, of course I'd engage in some harmless flirting.. .. But nah, I'm not that into him.. .. There's someone else in my mind right now and he is NOT my ex by the way.. ..

Anyway, I finally got my extensions done and I loooove it.. .. It's a little itchy at times but I hope I'll get used to it.. .. I'm planing to keep it on till my real hair grows back till my shoulder length.. .. That might probably take a year.. .. I've lost $200 but it's worth the money, I guess.. .. My bank account's pretty tight now because I also went shopping for clothes and bought some stuff with Adredna.. .. Sadly, no more shopping for me.. .. I still have to pay for my watch repair parts and my camera installments.. ..

As for today, I went to NDP preview and it was better then the last few parades at the floating stage.. .. This year's parade is held at the Padang and it's my first time seeing it there.. .. The shows are much better too and the pyrotechnics are awesome.. .. The fireworks covered the whole Marina Bay skyline.. .. I can't wait to watch the actual fireworks from a view where I can see the whole skyline.. .. I think Esplanade would be good.. .. Well, it's back to work for me tomorrow.. .. I hope it would be kind on me.. ..

Life

2010-07-27T00:45:00.002+08:00

I worked my first morning shift today and it didn't go that well.. .. I was quite irritated with my partner because he didn't really guide me very well but then he sounds rather sarcastic to me at times when I forget something or do something wrong.. .. I'm soooo not looking forward to work tomorrow but I have no choice.. .. I really feel like everyone is expecting too much from me.. .. I'm just a trainee and I'm very, very tired.. .. I try to do my best but the tiredness gets to me.. .. Oh God, please help me out here.. ..

I met up with Ardy, Adredna and Bernice after work.. .. We watched Despicable Me at Vivocity.. .. I was damn tired and I fell in and out of sleep but I tried to follow the movie.. .. It was really funny and cute though.. .. I had great fun.. .. It's a relieve to meet your friends and laugh together about things instead of worrying about.. .. I really do hope things will get better.. ..

Anyway, my parents got me a HP mini netbook.. .. It's soooo cute.. .. But there are some functions lacking from a standard laptop.. .. Like a CD-Rom drive for example.. .. But I don't really care about that.. .. What bothers me is the fact that it runs on Windows 7 starter.. .. There isn't much function in that O.S.. .. I have to upgrade to the standard version to get a proper Windows experience and of course, that means more money out of my pocket.. .. But for now it'll have to do.. .. I just have to transfer all my music, pictures and videos from this lappy to the netbook and it's good enough for me.. ..

The Reunion

2010-07-17T11:54:00.002+08:00

Well, so Shiela had planned this family reunion ages ago.. .. Our Dbl-O family.. .. I didn't feel like going at first but Zizi and Hayati wanted me to come so I guess I couldn't refuse.. .. I haven't meet them in a REALLY long time anyway.. .. Since last year in fact.. .. Well anyway, turns out the planner herself blew off the whole clan to go clubbing.. .. Haha.. .. That's typical.. .. Well, me and Zizi washed our hands of her a long time ago anyway so we don't care what she does.. .. Still, I was really surprise that she has the heart to stood up the people she refers to as family.. .. Never less, had a great time.. .. Naz really made everyone laugh.. .. It was worth the night.. ..

Not Him

2010-07-16T05:27:00.002+08:00

I'm not being emo about him.. .. Am I?? I don't feel like I'm missing him.. .. I don't feel like I need him.. .. Well, maybe he does has a small part in why I'm feeling like shit these days.. .. I've lost my best friend and I fear like I could lose everyone else.. .. I'm forever ridden in exhaustion and I've lost every ounce of motivation to work.. .. Why is that happening.. .. Work is just work.. .. I've had plenty of jobs but I could stick to them.. .. Why not this one?? I stuck to Cathay for almost two years even though the job pretty much sucked.. .. Why do I feel like giving up this job even though I have only 9 more months to go?? How much more time do I need to get use to this life.. .. Will I even get used to it at all??

Yes, I'm definitely in a very sorry state right now.. .. I'm insecure and confused about my feelings.. .. I'm heartbroken and there's this one thing that I have to keep to myself.. .. Some things are best left unsaid.. .. If it's meant to be then it is gonna happen.. .. If it's not, at least I didn't ruin my life the way I know it.. .. I don't want things to change.. .. These feelings are gonna ruin everything.. .. I have to keep it under wraps.. .. Till then, I'll find some other reasons to explain why I'm depressed.. .. No matter what, I'm not being emo about him... .. NEVER.. ..

Secrets

2010-07-14T00:22:00.002+08:00

It sucks having to keep a secret.. .. It sucks even more when that secret breaks my heart.. .. But I can't tell anyone.. .. Revealing my feelings would end life as I know it.. .. I don't want things to change but I can't make these feelings go away.. .. Why is this happening to me again?? Haven't I been through enough already?? I have to keep this feelings to myself.. .. I can't bear losing the people I care about again.. .. I'm better off being alone for the rest of my life.. ..

Wild Night

2010-07-12T22:18:00.002+08:00

I had a great time last night with my friends.. .. Ardy met me after work and we headed to Raffles Place to meet up with the Ad, Bern, Nat and Htut before heading to Lau Pa Sat for Supper while waiting for Man and Ruz.. .. Man brought his Dad's car so he drove us to Cash Studio.. .. He is a crazy driver, seriously.. .. Despite Ardy using his iPhone GPS to navigate, we still went the wrong way.. .. It was a fun drive and we managed to get there in one piece.. ..

We spent at least 5 hours singing.. .. My throat is definitely sore right now.. .. There were some setbacks like money issues and some of us who went back early.. .. By 5.30am it was only me, Ardy, Ruz and Htut and we were all pretty mood-less.. .. So even though we already paid for the session till 6am, we burned the last half an hour and headed home.. .. Well, despite those setbacks, the first five hours were definitely a BLAST.. .. We were dancing, and doing crazy things in the room.. .. I literally screamed like a mad woman when I got to know the score for the World Cup finals.. .. Spain WON despite the odds!! I'm so disappointed for not having watched the match live from start to end but I recorded the match back home.. .. So it's better then nothing.. ..

Alone

2010-07-08T11:39:00.002+08:00

I'm gonna be working alone tonight!! Arghhh!! One of my colleagues from the morning shift is on M.C so my partner will be taking over her shift.. .. Well, I'm not entirely alone.. .. My chef will be helping me taking care of the buffet but I'm still gonna be alone in the kitchen.. .. Wooow.. .. This is scary.. .. I just hope I'll survive.. .. At least tomorrow's my off day.. .. Maybe, I'll take this chance to prove to my Chef that I'm capable.. .. I've been hiding behind the shadows of my seniors for way too long.. ..

I watched an awesome match last night.. .. Well, it was boring at first but Spain scored!! I'm soooo happy.. .. Spain made it to the finals despite the odds and proved to the world that they can make it.. .. I learned a lesson too.. .. To never give up and keep trying and believing.. .. I so can't wait for the finals.. .. I just hope my throat infection is gone by the time.. .. We're gonna go singing on Sunday as well.. .. I can't wait!!

Lethargic

2010-07-06T07:15:00.002+08:00

I had a great time yesterday.. .. I went shopping with my mom, my aunt and my uncle at Causeway Point.. .. Well, they did the shopping mostly.. .. I just tagged.. .. I wasn't in the best of mood.. .. I was easily annoyed and the fact that it's a school holiday just makes it worse.. .. I hate the sight of children running around and young teens walking around trying to act mature and cool.. .. It must be P.M.S, I suppose.. .. Anyway, my day got better.. .. I met up with Bernice and Ardy and watched Twilight: Eclipse with them.. .. Never liked the series but ironically, I have watched all three movies.. .. I guess I can't resist watching Taylor Lautner.. .. He is awesomely hot.. ..

I am feeling so lethargic right now and I just skipped work.. .. I'm gonna have to get an M.C later but I'm not sure if I'll get one.. .. I'm not really sick.. .. I'm just EXTREMELY exhausted, my throat is sore and my ear hurts each time I swallow.. .. Does that qualify for an M.C?? I really don't want to do this anymore.. .. I cannot count the number of times I wanna quit my job.. .. I don't wanna be a chef anymore.. .. What the hell was I thinking?? I spent thousands of dollars on Shatec for this?? I wanna make my life easier, not slowly kill myself by exhaustion.. .. Don't get me wrong, I love pastry and I really do love my workplace.. .. This life is hard, I can't do it.. .. I feel my energy being sapped out of me day by day.. .. I literally feel my performance getting weaker instead of getting better.. .. I know my Chef has noticed it too and is starting to doubt me.. .. The worse thing is, I don't care anymore.. .. I just want it to be over.. .. Please, let time fly by.. .. I still have nine more months to go.. .. God, please help me!!

Crap

2010-07-01T04:24:00.003+08:00

I went to Zirca tonight and I went back early.. .. I dunno why.. .. I didn't enjoy myself.. .. I guess I've lost the game.. .. I mostly stood there like a statue.. .. Shiela and Yanna's friends would randomly come up to me and ask why I'm not dancing.. .. Or the drunk birthday girl would start grinding me every now and then and I would entertain her till she walks off to get wasted elsewhere.. .. She nice, yeah.. .. But I don't know her well.. .. Well, I don't know most of them well enough.. .. Shiela wasn't there most of the time.. .. She was off dancing with Khairil Amri.. .. Yeah, that football player.. .. I felt like puking when he introduced himself to me as Khai.. .. No offense but the name Khai just iritates me.. .. Especially since my last 'fling' turn out to be a pain in the ass and his name was Khairul.. .. Oh yeah, not to forget.. .. The one and only ex that I love is also a Khairul.. .. Oh crap.. .. Enough about them.. ..

So I managed to get the key from Yas and I got my bags from the locker.. .. Yas made a joke, asking if I would stay if K.A was there.. .. Yeaaaaah, right.. .. It was nice of him to question me but I made my decision.. .. Besides him, no one else asked why I wanted to go or even noticed that I was leaving.. .. I was sure Shiela saw me heading for the exit but she was too busy talking to that Khairil.. .. Oh well.. .. Hhmm.. .. I think God is sending me a sign.. .. I don't belong there anymore and I should stop trying to blend my old life with my new life.. .. Even if it means losing my old friends.. ..

Anyway, my parents adopted two adorable cats and the house seemed so much merrier with cats around.. .. They're so freaking cute.. .. I'm gonna love them so much.. .. At least I have something to look forward too.. ..

I'm Still Alive

2010-06-29T04:43:00.002+08:00

Okay, so both Ad and Nat are emo tonight and I feel like my walls are breaking down too.. .. Ad broke up with Alfan who immaturely deletes everyone in his friends list related to her and Nat finally faced the truth that the guy she likes is not what she thought to be.. .. As a friend of course I tried to help by sharing my own experience with K.A.. .. Not such a good idea.. .. Now I'm thinking about him.. .. God knows how much I miss him.. ..

I'm not lying when I say that I can live without him.. .. However, there will always be that empty feeling.. .. My heart used to be full of expectations and hopes and I gave it all away to him.. .. Now it's empty and that's probably why I can't love again.. .. I have nothing to offer to anyone else but an empty heart.. ..

Guess what?? I don't care.. .. I don't care if I remain a spinster till I die.. .. There is more to life then just relationships and love.. .. What I miss out, I will make up for it with the other aspects in life.. .. So I may cry every now and then.. .. So I may whine about how much I miss K.A.. .. It doesn't matter anyway.. .. I'm still living my live.. ..

Katy Perry - Thinking of You

2010-06-28T03:59:00.006+08:00

Cause when I'm with him, I am thinking of you.. ..
What you would do if you are the one who was spending the night.. ..
Oh, I wish that I was looking into your eyes.. ..

I.M.Y.K.A

A Night Out

2010-06-26T19:52:00.002+08:00

Well, so I didn't get to go to Pulau Ubin because it was canceled at the last minute.. .. I did have a great time last night though.. .. I was supposed to meet up with Shiela and Zizi since we haven't met is LONG time but Shiela stood us up and Zizi couldn't came earlier so I met up with Ardy.. .. We bumped into Letitia at this bar and joined them for awhile.. .. They were pretty drunk and we had some fun talking and laughing.. .. The music was pretty good too.. ..

Zizi came by later and joined us for a while but he left shortly.. .. I think he was pretty pissed because Shiela didn't turn up.. .. We walked to Esplanade where he hailed a cab and we met up with Ardy brother, sister and their friends from Indonesia.. .. We took some pictures and chilled by the bay before going home.. ..

It was totally random but I honestly had fun.. .. At last, I managed to take my baby out and do some night photography.. .. I still need to improve my skills but I'm so glad I have my baby now.. .. I should have gotten him AGES ago.. ..

Rain, Rain

2010-06-23T16:18:00.003+08:00

I slept like a baby due to the rain.. .. Well, not quite.. .. My whole body ached the moment I woke up.. .. Not just my back but literally every part of my body.. .. Anyway, instead of continuing to sleep in this awesome weather, I took out my baby, my Canon DSLR and tried to take the pictures of the rain.. .. I played around with the aperture settings and the shutter speed but I didn't quite got it.. .. After all, I took those pictures from my bedroom window.. .. There wasn't much to capture but the back of a school.. .. My baby's dying to capture REAL pictures.. .. I hope the days will fly by faster because I can't wait for Saturday!! Pulau Ubin, here I come!!

A Nice Surprise

2010-06-21T01:25:00.003+08:00

One more day till my off day!! Yeaaaah!! I can't wait to get away from work!! I had an easy day today.. .. It was a quite busy day due to Father's Day.. .. I handled it pretty well.. .. I'm tired as usual of course.. .. I guess it's never going away no matter how many off days I get.. ..

Anyway, I found my primary school best friend!! OMG!! Well, actually she found me on Facebook.. .. She looks so much different now and I barely could recognize her from the pictures.. .. Memories!! Haha.. .. I still remember the silly days we had when we were kids with our other friends.. .. She told me she still has the stuff from back then.. .. I didn't keep anything from back then!! I'm such an idiot!! My memories are a bit fuzzy but I remember we had a disagreement towards the end and we didn't have a chance to sort things out before I moved out and changed schools.. ..

Well, it's been a nice surprise.. .. I never liked looking back to the past but there are some things that should be cherished.. ..

Exhausted

2010-06-19T12:04:00.004+08:00

I'm exhausted to the max!! Damn England.. .. I was so excited to watch the match last night but it turned out to be a total disappointment.. .. I wasted four hours of sleep to watch crap.. .. I gave up watching and went to bed with ten minutes left in the game.. .. Turns out no one scored.. .. The European countries are not doing very well at all.. .. Spain lost, Portugal lost.. .. At least Brazil made through their first match okay and it was worth watching.. .. So I still have a team to support that isn't giving me crap.. .. Haha!! I hope it stays that way.. .. I have no idea who's gonna bring the cup home this World Cup.. ..

I'm so not in the mood for work today.. .. I'd rather sleep my ass off but I have no choice.. .. I have no life.. .. Seriously.. .. Well, I hope things will get better.. .. We have a new addition in the pastry kitchen.. .. A girl from cold kitchen.. .. She's a really happening person and I like her a lot.. .. She's only gonna be a trainee in pastry but I'm sure she'll catch up fast and my work load will be much lighter.. .. I HOPE!! Already, my chef has planned me to work in the morning shift for a day next week.. .. The only bummer is that the previous day, I'm working in the afternoon shift.. .. I have no idea how the hell I'm gonna wake up.. .. Oh well, if others could do it, I should learn too.. .. At least I have three off days next week.. .. I sooo can't wait for the Pulau Ubin trip.. .. I'm gonna DE-STRESS!!

My New Boyfriend =)

2010-06-18T11:43:00.002+08:00

I finally got my own DSLR!! Yeaaaah!! It's one of those things I don't regret getting even though it's freaking expensive.. .. Photography is one of my passion.. .. It feels good to indulge in something you love.. .. The Canon EOS 1000D is officially my new boyfriend!! I'm gonna bring it everywhere with me!! Except when I go to work of course.. .. Hahaha.. ..

Anyway, I went for a little shopping trip with Liyana yesterday and I got a chance to test out my camera.. .. There is a lot of features that I still don't get.. .. Apertures, shutter speed.. .. Doesn't make sense to me.. .. But hey, I'm a fast learner.. .. I'll figure it out soon.. .. Already, I've learned a trick or two.. ..

My Cathay ex-colleagues are planning an outing next week at Pulau Ubin.. .. A great chance to bring my new boyfriend out to play.. .. I can't wait!! I hope my Chef doesn't forget to put me off on that day or I'll be freaking pissed.. .. I haven't seen my friends in a long time and I missed them all!!

No Sense Of Remorse

2010-06-15T11:51:00.001+08:00

I know you had your share of pain, suffering and I probably would have never hold up as well as you do if I were in you shoes.. .. Yet somehow, a dark side of kept wanting you to suffer more.. .. To pay for all the hurt that you've caused me.. .. Even though my pain is nothing compared to what you've been through the past few years.. .. I'm angry and disappointed that you could go on living your life even after knowing that you've broke someone's heart.. .. You don't even apologize, acknowledge it or even show any hint of remorse!! I love you but don't want you back, I'm glad you've found happiness in your life because I know mine isn't in your hands.. .. I just want you to acknowledge what you've put me through all those years ago and do something about it instead of pretending that it all never happened.. .. My friends say that I should put the past behind me and just forget about it.. .. I can't.. .. Not when you've made a mark in my life.. .. A mark so deep it affects my soul, my dignity, my heart.. ..

Anyway, this matter will forever bother me I guess.. .. I've learned to keep these thoughts away from me but from time to time, it creeps back to haunt me.. .. I really don't need you back to be happy, I just missed having someone to love and care about me the way you did.. .. I haven't found a replacement.. .. Maybe I will.. .. My heart keeps hinting at me and I close to finding that someone.. ..

Dragging Myself

2010-06-13T12:59:00.000+08:00

I'm on my way to work right now and I feel like I'm dragging my whole body.. .. I don't get myself really.. .. I had fun at work but I hate going to work.. .. My point is, I don't have a life.. .. I'm don't just want time for my friends.. .. I want time for ME!!

By the way, there's a huge moth looking thing plastered on the ceiling of the train and it's freaking me out.. .. No one else seems to notice.. .. WTH!!

A Nice Release

2010-06-07T00:40:00.003+08:00

I hadn't had enough sleep for for three straight days!! OMG!! Thankfully, I made through work and tonight, I'll finally be able to have a full night sleep.. .. Yeah, the past few days have been hard on me.. .. I thought I finally found someone I share my life with but he turned out to be a totally wrong guy for me.. .. I was hurt and I missed my ex even more.. .. I was totally depressed, especially since work has suck out the life out of me.. .. I don't think I'm ready to handle a man in my life right now.. .. I should concentrate on completing my diploma first.. .. Yeah, so within a week, I started drinking, clubbing and smoking again all because of one guy.. .. Right now I feel much better because I still have friends who care even though there are friends of mine who don't even bother to ask.. .. It's through depressing times when one recognizes who their true friends are and who aren't.. .. Now that I'm over my depression period, I hope I'll be able to turn back and go back on the right path again.. ..

Anyway, I went to Pump Room with Ardy on Saturday night.. .. It was totally random and last minute.. .. I wanted to bring him to Zirca since Shiela and my other friends were heading there but things got complicated so instead, we chilled with Ardy's uncle who's a musician at Highlander, had some drinks on the house and then headed to Pump Room.. .. We were kinda worried that he might not be able to get in since his birthday isn't over yet but instead I was the one being thought for an underaged person.. .. They didn't even look at him twice and let him in straight away but they asked for my I.D!! WTH!! Anyway, we still had a blast even though Ardy has never actually clubbed before and it was only two of us.. .. I was shocked that he CAN groove.. .. Haha!! The live band was amazing.. .. The guitarist, I was told, is pretty famous and he's GOOD.. .. I was surprised that we fit in even though the crowd is mostly made up of expats, tourists and "high end" locals.. .. I honestly do like Pump Room better then the other typical clubs that I've been to.. .. Well, personally, I think that what makes a night happening is the people you go with and not the club itself.. .

It was a nice release from our hectic lives and I'm glad we both had fun.. .. I just realized that Saturday was my anniversary date with my ex.. .. It feels great knowing that I had fun with my good friend instead of emo-ing over my ex.. ..

Disappointment

2010-06-05T11:25:00.002+08:00

I really can't do this.. .. I can't be with a man.. .. Not now, not ever.. .. I CAN'T MOVE ON!! Why won't fate let me move on?? All I wanted is to forget my ex and move on with someone else.. .. But why do I always end up with the wrong guy?? I'm losing my faith in men.. .. They're clingy, needy, desperate and they only care about themselves.. .. They will make you feel so bad and insecure when you can't give them what they want.. .. They go around telling girls that they love us when they don't know what love really means.. ..

With every disappointment, I just miss my ex more and more.. .. He may have hurt me really bad in the end but he was the only man who made me feel loved.. .. I love him and I miss him so much.. .. Why can't I find anyone who could love me the way he did?? Is there no room for me to feel love anymore?? Have I been right the whole time in saying that love only happens once?? If that is true, then truly, I am a very heartbroken person because life has taken the only man I ever loved away from me and he's not coming back.. ..

The Night

2010-06-04T11:20:00.002+08:00

I went to Zirca last Wednesday!! It was totally random and last minute but I wanted to let go of all my tensions, have fun with my friends and meet the guy I like all in the same night so I decided to go.. .. Even though he had to leave halfway with his friend, the rest of the night went well.. .. Me and the girls ended up hitching a ride with some random guy and continued our party at The Living Room after Zirca closed.. .. I was pretty stoned by then and I was talking rubbish this guy whose cousin, who happens to be footballer, wanted to get to know Shiela.. .. She didn't seem too keen but she was speechless so I just chimed in and started talking crap about how protective I am with Shiela.. .. The guy must think I'm nuts.. ..

Anyway, it's all over and I have to say goodbye to my wild side.. .. Life goes back to normal.. .. Clubs are pretty much the same old thing and I don't feel the tendency of going back anytime soon.. .. I still wished that he could stay longer but at least it wasn't a five minutes encounter like our last one at the airport.. .. Haha!! There will be other days.. .. I just hope my work schedule will be forgiving with me next week.. ..

Permanent

2010-06-01T11:15:00.002+08:00

I'm permanently tired I guess.. .. No amount of rest seems to restore my strength.. .. Probably just enough to last the day but no more.. .. My whole body is permanently aching too.. .. It has been so for weeks and it's not going away.. .. Is this how life as a chef will be for the rest of my life?? Will I get use to this life?? How can I love something but it affects me so deeply that a small part of me wishes to stop.. ..

Speaking of love, I wonder if I'm ready to love again or if I was right all along that I'm simply not capable of loving ever again.. .. I just don't feel it anymore.. .. I don't know how it feels.. .. I won't let myself hurt someone else for my own flaws.. .. I won't make promises that I know I can't fulfill.. ..

Unlucky Start

2010-05-29T01:33:00.003+08:00

I had a pretty unlucky start to the day.. .. I just got to the MRT station when I saw firemen, paramedics and policemen running towards the gates.. .. I found out when I came back from work that someone jumped into the tracks and died.. .. To think that I could have witnessed it if I had came earlier.. .. It would traumatize me to my very core!! I was frustrated of course, since I didn't wanna be late for work.. .. Luckily I have a straight bus to work and I decided to take it instead.. .. I barely reached on time but I wasn't too late.. .. No one said anything though.. .. But never less, I did told my senior, Chong what happened and she told that she noticed the train was unusually overcrowded.. .. I wasn't sure if it had anything to do with the incident anyway.. ..

I had a pretty good time at work.. .. It's my last day working with Chong since she got a better offer at Shangri-La and I noticed that she slowed down instead of being her usual 'kanchong' self.. .. Chef Peter did a HUGE wedding cake and I watched him painstakingly roll out the fondant and perfectly mold it on the 'cake' which is made of Styrofoam by the way.. .. The he piped rosettes and designs on the side.. .. I would never have the patience for that.. .. It looks so simple but even the simplest wedding cakes are a torture to create.. .. I guess, ease comes with time and experience.. .. To a mere trainee like me, everything seemed out of my league.. ..

Frustrations

2010-05-27T12:06:00.003+08:00

It's my off day and I still haven't done my make-up.. .. I woke up feeling so tired that I went back to sleep again.. .. I've been working for 6 days straights.. .. I guess I need this off day to rest instead.. .. I still need to do my make-up soon.. .. I wanna see my updated transcript.. .. I've got an email saying that I passed my K.O and Comm Skills.. .. I still wanna see how much GPA I managed to save.. .. I will not settle for anything less than a 3.0.. .. I still have four papers to go.. ..

Anyway, my colleagues have been talking that the pay should be in today but I haven't seen it yet.. .. I'm so frustrated.. .. I was so excited and looking forward to my first salary but my bank account is still dangerously low.. .. Even though an intern's salary is pathetic, it's still money!! I'm dying to shop and go out with my friends without feeling like I'm scavenging every cent from my mom.. .. I owe her a LOT!! Even though she had never asked me for money even once in my entire working life, I find it only right that I give away some of my pay to her from now on.. .. Most women her age are living off their children already.. .. I feel ashamed that can't support my parents yet but the least I can do is to not live off them.. ..

Changes

2010-05-26T11:35:00.003+08:00

Well, it's been a month working and so far things have been good.. .. I can't wait for my coming pay.. .. The GSS is near too.. .. I can't wait to meet up with Liyana and shop with her like we used to back then.. .. Anyway, another senior of mine resigned so I guess that's more bad news for me cause it means more responsibilities.. .. I wonder why my chef won't hire anymore staff or even trainees?? I thought that the work over here must be so shitty that people are resigning but my senior told me that this is how the industry works.. .. We won't rise if we stay in one place to long.. .. Most chefs spend two of three years before running off to a better position.. .. Well, it does make sense.. .. It seems to me that there a cycle running and chefs are constantly being rotated around.. .. Haha.. .. I personally don't mind that.. .. I could have been an expert in job hopping.. .. Staying in one job for too long bores me.. ..

Anyway, I think I'm getting over the nicotine withdrawal phase.. .. I feel much more energized now.. .. I feel so good not smoking.. .. This time, I better remind myself that I should refuse even a stick cause it might just put me back to square one.. .. I don't want to go through nicotine withdrawal all over again.. .. It's like dying.. .. Haha.. .. I guess if I exclude that two rouge weeks when I started smoking again, I would have quit for two months already.. .. Wow.. .. Don't even get me started on clubbing.. .. I haven't clubbed or drank in three months.. .. Even though my off days are always on Thursdays, I still don't feel tempted to club on Wednesdays.. ..

Well, I hope that all these changes I've been through will be permanent.. .. I really hope so.. ..

Nicotine Withdrawal.. .. Again.. ..

2010-05-24T10:43:00.003+08:00

Well, I've located the source of my exhaustion.. .. Nicotine withdrawal.. .. I think that's the reason I'm more tired then I should be.. .. I'd had it before when I was stranded at home and I stopped smoking for weeks at a time.. .. Things are different now.. .. I have a job and I can't sleep all day like I did before.. .. I need to be strong.. .. Just knowing why this is happening makes me a little better already.. .. I'm doing this for my own good and it will benefit me in the long run.. .. I hope I'll win this battle.. .. I'm so exhausted that I can't even sleep.. .. I spent 3 hours in bed last night sighing and complaining to myself of how tired I am.. .. I'm so worn out to the bones.. ..

I look forward to work today though.. .. No doubt, I'll have much to do.. .. The restaurant is expecting full house occupancy for the entire week.. .. Anyway, a colleague of mine promised to cook for me Carbonara and the thought of it definitely brightens up my day.. .. =)

Dying From Exhaustion

2010-05-24T00:23:00.003+08:00

I'm so stressed right now.. .. My back hurts, I'm super exhausted and I can't sleep.. .. I asked my mom to look for a new mattress for me but instead they got an inflatable one that doesn't fit my bed frame at all.. .. It's really uncomfortable and ridiculous.. .. The kind people used on camping trips.. .. What were they thinking?? It's a waste of money.. .. I really feel like crying.. .. My body is seriously in pain and I'm in desperate need for a good night's sleep.. .. Luckily, they hadn't thrown away my old mattress so I managed to return my bed to it's original state.. .. I guess I'll just pay them back and get a new mattress myself, though I don't think I could afford it.. ..

I'm really upset because I don't want my parents to think that I'm ungrateful or spoiled.. .. I love them so much and I'm grateful for everything they've done for me.. .. I'm just desperately exhausted.. .. I love my job but it's too tiring.. .. I don't know how long I can last.. .. I feel tempted to quit but I have too much at stake.. .. My colleagues make me happy at least.. .. Even though I have to literally drag myself to work, once I'm in the kitchen, I enjoyed myself till the end of the shift. .. I just can't stand the exhaustion I feel at the end of the day and every morning when I wake up.. .. Will this all go away?? Will my body learn to adjust?? I know it's only been a month but I'm scared.. .. I feel like I'm slowly dying away.. ..

Back To Work

2010-05-22T00:27:00.002+08:00

Well, I spent much of my four off days sleeping late and waking up late so now my internal clock is a bit off.. .. I couldn't sleep at all last night or perhaps slept too lightly, but thank God, I made it through today.. .. No pressure.. .. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep better tonight and gain back my energy for tomorrow.. .. The next few weeks is gonna be busy, my chef told me.. .. My next off day isn't till next Thursday so I hope I'll be able to make it through.. .. Still, I'm a very disappointed in myself for not having done my make-up during my off days.. .. I get so lazy and going back to school is such a major drag.. .. I hope that I'll be able to do so next week.. .. I don't want to do my make-up with unfamiliar faces.. .. At least I know most of my juniors in production right now.. ..

I may have sprained my back last week and it's been getting worse.. .. I can't even turn my body around to look back.. .. Thankfully, I can still do my job decently but it does ache.. .. I wish it would go away soon.. .. I feel like an old woman.. .. I realize that I'm too rough sometimes.. .. I can't stop myself from doing heavy duty jobs with no thoughts to whether my body can handle it or not.. .. I should stop pushing my body beyond it's limits.. .. I hope that being in pastry will teach me to be more gentle and delicate.. .. It's not easy being in pastry.. .. You have to work fast yet still be precise and gentle.. .. I still have much to learn.. ..

I.D.M.Y.K.A

2010-05-18T19:40:00.005+08:00

Every time I think of you, you seem further and further away from me and for some reason, it does not bother me at all.. .. I welcome that blankness and emptiness that I feel whenever I think of you.. .. I'd rather not relieve all the love and heartbreaking moments I've had for you.. .. I'm still far from reaching perfect serenity but I do feel like I'm going somewhere.. ..

Maybe Ardy was right after all.. .. He always tells me that I do not really love you but instead, I just miss having you around to love me like you once did.. .. Perhaps the cure to my heart is as simple as letting someone else take your place.. .. When and who?? I do not know.. .. I'll let life surprise me.. .. I'll let life take on it's own course.. ..

You have no place in my life and I have none is yours either.. .. This, I will remind myself over and over again.. .. The chapter is long closed and it's time to begin a new one.. ..

A Break

2010-05-18T01:01:00.002+08:00

I just got back from watching The Losers with Ardy at Marina Square.. .. It's awesome but I'm wasn't satisfied with the ending.. .. No doubt, there will be a second movie.. .. I was really surprised by how fast we finished our popcorn but then I realized that there was a hole at the bottom of the bag.. .. Haha!! What a waste.. .. The floor underneath our seats were scattered with popcorn.. .. I feel sorry for the person who had to clean up after us.. .. But it wasn't our fault anyway.. ..

After the movie, we had dinner at KFC and then we sat at Esplanade and talked about stuff.. .. We didn't do much but it's a break from our hectic lives I guess.. .. Ardy has been having a really hard time at work but I hope he takes up my advice and look for another job instead.. .. I feel pretty tired from all the work too but I've been learning so much.. .. I'm so glad that I've been give four days off.. .. I'm gonna have to complete my make up at school but I'll have plenty of rest then.. ..

Rocking Out

2010-05-16T11:34:00.004+08:00

I have a splitting headache, a sore throat, my body is aching and I'm totally sleep deprived.. .. In other words, I'm dead exhausted.. .. But I still had an awesome time.. .. Shawal, Adredna, Fauzy, Natasha, Ardy and me went to Hard Rock cafe to celebrate Bernice's birthday.. .. Hard Rock is much different then I remembered but somehow it's still the same.. .. For one, the singer is still the same lady but the band, which happens to be Ardy's friends isn't.. .. They were freaking awesome and pretty nice people too.. .. Ardy was right.. .. The place is totally casual.. .. We just sat at the table and enjoyed the awesome live band music and then we headed over to Cineleisure for a Karaoke session.. ..

We could have gone to Cash Studio but the deal at Kbox seems more worth it.. .. There were drinks included in the price and we could sing all the way till closing at 6am while Cash Studio would charge us the same price for only three hours.. .. This karaoke session is by far one of the most entertaining session I've ever had.. .. I would love to do it again.. ..

Exceptions

2010-05-14T11:12:00.002+08:00

I'm getting four days off next week!! This is totally awesome.. .. Plus, my chef told me that he's hopping to put me in the morning shift by June.. .. It took the last trainee three months to get a foothold and my chef thinks I'm ready even though I've been working for less then a month.. .. I'm flattered!! However, I'm a bit terrified that I would cave in under pressure.. .. I know how tough morning shifts are.. .. I just hope that I'll be able to make it.. ..

Anyway, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf.. .. Work has given me plenty of distractions and opportunities.. .. I've stayed away for my useless nightlife for a pretty long time now and I've forgotten it even.. .. I've even managed to stay away from cigarettes too.. .. Turns out, most of my colleagues don't smoke and I feel less inclined to do so either.. .. There's so much more I wanna do but I'll have to do it one step at a time.. .. I hope that God will continue to guide me down the right path.. .. I so much want to be a good daughter to my parents, a good friend and a good wife and mother in the future.. .. I'm way past my rebellious teenage years and it's time for me to move on and assume more responsibilities.. ..

However, I'm gonna have to make an exception tomorrow because it's Bernice's birthday and she wants to go to Hard Rock.. .. I was really reluctant because I didn't want to go near any bars, pubs or clubs but I already did planned way back that we'll go clubbing together on her birthday so I guess I have to keep my word.. .. Besides, the current Hard Rock is no longer that happening nightspot I use to go to years ago.. .. Ardy frequents it often too and he says that there's just live bands and some house music now.. .. So I guess, I'll make an exception and rock out tomorrow night with strictly NO alcohol.. .. Life is GREAT!!

Muse - Undisclosed Desires

2010-05-13T11:25:00.002+08:00

So Far So Good

2010-05-12T00:41:00.003+08:00

I finally got my WSQ Advance Theory test done with.. .. It was easy and it's pretty much common knowledge.. .. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to do it because I didn't had time to study my notes.. .. Work has taken it's toll on me.. .. I even got sick a few days but I had to keep on working.. .. I'm turning into a zombie.. .. I don't feel tired when I'm working but the exhaustion is exceptionally overwhelming when I wake up every morning.. ..

My job has been good so far.. .. I glad to have such helpful colleagues but there are always ups and downs.. .. I'm a bit unlucky because the pastry kitchen is seriously shorthanded and sometimes I feel like I'm not a trainee anymore.. .. It's really scary because there's much I don't know and everyone isn't always available to guide me all the time.. .. However, I don't mind it because I love being independent and I will try my best to learn as fast as I can.. .. I seriously do LOVE my job!!

Peace

2010-05-09T01:23:00.004+08:00

There is strength in willingness to let life take on it's own course.. .. Is it really true?? Can I find peace with myself through that very strength?? Happiness and peace are not the same.. .. I am happy but life is constantly testing me.. .. The past haunts me more often then I know.. .. It forces me to question myself.. .. What is my purpose in life?? What do I seek??

I can't find the answers to these questions.. .. I'm trying my best to be patient, to willingly accept every challenge and obstacle that God throws at me.. .. I thank him for every lesson that I learn through every mistake that I make.. .. I am grateful for everything that He has given me.. .. Yet I still can't find peace with myself.. ..

I used to think that I suffer because of the love that I have lost.. .. I realize that I was wrong.. .. I can't depend on others for happiness because that is my own responsibility.. .. If I can't be happy, then that is my flaw to correct.. .. But I do not seek happiness for I am capable of providing that for myself.. .. I just want to be at peace with myself.. .. Dear God, please save me.. ..

Kicking Ass

2010-05-06T00:19:00.000+08:00

Had an awesome time watching Kick Ass and Ip Man with Liyana, Sharul, Syakil and Fadly.. .. Personally, I think Kick Ass is a bit lame.. .. Though, there were funny parts.. .. Ip Man was super awesome, though not a great as the first movie.. .. That's always the case, I suppose.. .. There were really cool action scenes but the plot wasn't as epic as the first one.. .. I still enjoyed myself.. ..

We had supper at McCafe afterward and I finally got to try some cinnamon melts that a lot of my friends have been talking about.. .. I've always wandered what's all the fuss about.. .. It was nice but it wasn't out of the ordinary.. .. Then again, I am a trainee pastry chef so sweet indulgences is an everyday thing for me.. .. Speaking of which, I must have that passion fruit mousse cake again tomorrow.. .. It's heavenly.. .. I'm totally in the mood for pastries right now.. .. Yummy!!

Five Minutes

2010-05-05T12:20:00.004+08:00

I finally met him last night.. .. My family and I was at the airport sending off my brother to Taiwan so of course, he was there too.. .. It took quite a while before I was able to "sneak" away and meet him somewhere else.. .. I was really reluctant at first but I gathered up my courage and looked for him at our decided spot.. .. I didn't regret it.. .. I think he is really sweet, funny and cute.. .. Well, I guess I distrust men way too much.. .. I won't judge a book by it's cover but I hope he's as sweet as he seems.. .. I promised him that I'll wait till he comes back to Singapore and I hope that I'll get to know him much closer then.. .. Even though I only met him for five minutes, my smile stayed on for hours after.. .. I gonna miss his texts.. ..

Women

2010-05-04T01:57:00.003+08:00

I am so pissed right now.. .. I can't believe my own best friend would say something that makes me look bad behind my back.. .. I hate it when stories contradicts and I hate it when people assume the worst out of me.. .. I don't trust anyone anymore.. .. This is why I don't like making friends with females.. .. I don't care if people think I'm a playgirl because most of my friends are males.. .. I may be a woman but I'm ashamed of how my fellow women behave.. .. They're hypocrites, backstabbers, selfish and manipulative.. .. I'm ashamed of my own species.. .. Why can't anyone just let me live my own life??

I can't let this bring me down.. .. I shouldn't care what people think of me because I know they're wrong.. .. I don't care if anyone said that I never change and that I'm childish because I still love my ex.. .. Nothing will ever change the way I feel.. .. In fact, I feel bad about the people who has nothing better to do but assume things about me when they do not know me at all.. .. I have long ago withdrawn myself from these people but yet they still talk about me.. .. It is they who have not changed.. .. I spend every second trying to make a better life and future when they're all still stuck in their miseries.. ..

Labour Day

2010-05-01T22:51:00.004+08:00

It's my off day again and it happens to be Labour Day.. .. I did absolutely nothing but watch TV.. .. Plus, Starhub gave a preview of all it's cable channels and I get to watch extra channels.. .. I'm privileged enough to get an off day on a public holiday when clearly in this line of work, it's rare and perhaps, almost impossible.. .. It feels great to just be able to unwind and relax at home.. ..

Anyway, an ex of mine asked me for money and I find it really weird.. .. Even though we remained friends and I never really had any real feelings for him, I seriously think it's inappropriate.. .. Especially when I know always buy expensive gifts for his girlfriend and then turns me to ask for money when he's broke.. ..

I really don't understand men.. .. What is in those brain of theirs?? I know that not all men are despicable but every single one that I've met had failed to impress me.. .. I've grown to distrust men so do not blame me if I can't open my heart to anyone else since I'd lost the only man that I had loved.. ..

Back to Work

2010-04-30T11:06:00.002+08:00

I spent my off day watching 30 episodes of Jelita on Youtube back to back and I managed to cry almost every episode.. .. Now I have Agnes Monica's theme song playing in my head over and over again.. .. Damn, she's really good.. ..

I'll be heading to work in an hour's time and yeah, I usually get this lazy when after an off day.. .. I have a month to go before I get go out and enjoy myself with my friends.. .. I thought I should focus on work until I get the hang of it before I indulge in social life.. .. A month sounds really fair.. .. Besides, my pay's end of next month so I might as well.. .. I can wait to shop with Liyana!!

Agnes Monica - Matahariku

2010-04-29T16:33:00.002+08:00

Tertutup sudah pintu, pintu hatiku
Yg pernah dibuka waktu hanya untukmu
Kini kao pergi dari hidupku
Ku harus relakanmu walau aku tak mau

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

Dengarlah matahariku suara tangisanku
Ku bersedih kerna panah cinta menusuk jangtungku
Ucapkan matahariku puisi tentang hidupku
Tentangku yang tak mampu menaklukan waktu

Berjuta warna pelangi di dalam hati
Sejenak luluh bergening menjauh pergi
Tak ada lagi cahaya suci
Semua nada beranjak aku terdiam sepi

Kitchen Survival

2010-04-27T12:00:00.003+08:00

Well, I made through work one week and I still have a loooong way to go.. .. I must admit, I'm a little impatient with myself for not being able to grasp things easily and making too many mistakes.. .. I know that we learn through mistakes but I just wish that I was perfect.. .. Ardy says that I should give myself two months and I'll be able to stabilize myself.. .. I hope he's right.. ..

Anyway, I found out that the reason I got this job is because my executive pastry chef made a call to St. Regis and Chef Boris just happens to be his old time friend.. .. I'm glad Chef Boris put in a good word for me.. .. I have somehow earned his respect when I was working in St. Regis.. .. Haha.. .. I just wish I could do just as well in the pastry kitchen.. .. But I guess that wouldn't be easy.. .. My job at St. Regis is pretty straightforward.. .. But here, well, I have to learn how to multi-task, pay attention, remember and work fast all at the same time.. .. All my years of working experience has not prepared me for this at all.. ..

Well, who says it's gonna be easy.. .. I really, really hope I'll be able to survive the year at least.. ..

Job Satisfaction

2010-04-23T10:22:00.003+08:00

Gosh!! I woke up feeling so tired as if someone beat the crap out of me when i was sleeping.. .. I am more exhausted then I was before I went to sleep.. .. My whole body is aching.. .. Isn't sleep suppose to recharge you, not make you feel even more tired?? I've had exactly 8 hours of sleep!! I really hope this exhaustion goes away.. .. I hate the feeling of dragging myself out of bed.. ..

So far, work has been good.. .. I'm still trying to get used to this life.. .. My job is probably one of the most hectic, stressful and exhausting job on earth.. .. No wonder a lot of my schoolmates can't make it.. .. Cathay was harsh too but it's nothing compared to what I'm dealing with right now but for some reason, there high job satisfaction for me.. .. No matter how tired I am, end of the day, I'll smile to myself and I feel really good.. .. Well, it's too early to decide.. .. I still have a whole year to go through!!

First Day On The Job

2010-04-19T21:51:00.005+08:00

My first day on the job wasn't bad.. .. I had induction with three other girls.. .. We toured the hotel and before being sent to our respective departments.. .. I was attached to this auntie who very easygoing and explained everything she could to me.. .. Most of the kitchen staff were pretty young and the pastry department were mostly made of girls.. .. The culinary department seemed like fun people.. .. Everyone was pretty friendly I guess.. .. I hope my internship here would be a rewarding experience.. .. I'm aware that there's no such thing as a perfect job.. .. There will be bumps and tough moments but I have a feeling that I'll do fine here.. ..

I like this job, I guess.. .. There's freedom and the staff trust me enough to let me do something by myself instead of making me hover around and just watch them work.. .. Of course, I still have to grasp the whole operation.. .. There's so many things to absorb.. .. I hope that I'll be able to get the hang of it within a few days.. .. I won't deny that I'm a pretty blur person but that doesn't mean I can't do my job.. .. Oh well, I can't judge what I see on my first day.. .. I really hope all the niceties will last.. .. Anyway, I got off on Saturday and Sunday.. .. Awesome!!

I still can't get my ex off my head.. .. Thank goodness I have a job to distract me.. .. I had a really, really weird dream about him a two nights ago and since then he's stuck in my head.. .. For some reason, I have this deep aching worry when I think about him.. .. I just hope he's okay.. .. Wherever he is and whatever he's doing.. .. I'm working at 7am tomorrow so I guess I better get to bed now.. .. I pray that God will keep the man I love safe and that I'll have a smooth shift tomorrow.. .. Amin.. ..

Change

2010-04-18T22:12:00.003+08:00

Well, tomorrow's the big day.. .. I'm so freaked out that I won't be able to fit it.. .. Seriously, I really need a boost of confidence.. .. Well, first days are always frightening.. .. Especially when you have absolutely no idea what you're expected to do.. .. I guess change is good.. .. Isn't that what I've always wanted??

Anyway, I don't know why but I'm thinking about my ex right now.. .. It's totally harmless though.. .. I'm not gonna break down and cry or anything.. .. It's weird how memories that happened almost three years ago seemed like they happened yesterday.. .. They never seem to fade.. .. Oh well.. .. I'm just glad that today, I'm able to think about him without shedding a tear.. .. I hope it stays permanently that way.. ..

She Wants Revenge - Tear You Apart

2010-04-17T16:47:00.002+08:00

Long Day

2010-04-17T02:33:00.004+08:00

I'm exhausted.. .. It's been a long day.. .. I did join Bernice, Adredna and Alfan but we ate at Manhattan Fish Market instead of Seoul Garden.. .. The day didn't really go that well due to a few setbacks and tensions arise here and there but there were moments when we did have fun.. .. Adredna told us about how difficult her life at Iggy's was.. .. It was a totally different scene that what I saw during my trial.. .. It was totally unexpected.. .. When I did my trial, everyone seemed so nice.. .. Now, they've shown their true colors as backstabbers and hypocrites.. .. I just don't understand why people have to be so mean towards each other.. ..

After long talks at Esplanade, we headed to Dhobby Ghaut for supper at the famous bean curd stall and met Shawal there where he told us more stories about Iggy's.. .. It's pure hell.. .. I would have never been able to survive.. .. Despite the horror stories, we had a good laugh about other good things in life.. .. We did have fun.. .. We dropped by The Cathay for awhile to check out the movies playing but we didn't watch any.. .. We we all really tired so we hailed a cab home.. .. I haven't been out late in a long time.. ..

Plans

2010-04-16T10:14:00.002+08:00

Well, I don't have any plans today and I don't feel like going out either.. .. Bernice has planned dinner at Seoul Garden.. .. I don't think I'm going but I've missed a lot of their outings lately.. .. I guess I'll just have to see how things go later on.. .. I'm starting to get used to lazing at home.. .. All this comfort will soon go away when I start my new job.. .. It's better that way, I guess.. .. I've been working since I was young.. .. Work is a good thing and it's not something I could easily give up.. ..

I look forward to the future.. .. I know there will be more challenges ahead of me and there will be times when I have to take a fall but I know that I will rise again.. .. I believe that failure is the seed to success.. .. I really feel like I'm a different person than I once was.. .. My perception is no longer subjective and I'm able to see things as a bigger picture.. .. I'm not that young girl anymore.. .. I'm an adult and I hold my own future in my hands.. ..

An Exhausting Day

2010-04-15T07:35:00.003+08:00

I had a very tiring day yesterday and I fell asleep pretty early at around 8pm.. .. Thankfully, I woke up at 7am instead of 4am.. .. Though I did remember waking up in the middle of the night but then going back to sleep almost immediately.. .. I had a pretty weird dream but I can't remember it.. .. I guess the typhoid shot must have worn me down.. .. I dunno if it's suppose to do that or because I had way too many shots.. .. Typhoid shots are suppose to be taken only once every three years but I had three shot within a year.. .. Not that I wanted it.. .. Only a crazy person would like needles.. .. I just hope that my body won't grow immune to any future typhoid vaccinations.. ..

My left arm is really sore right now and I think I'm developing a fever.. .. Great, I hate being sick.. .. Well, it doesn't matter.. .. I had no plans to go out anyway.. .. I was exhausted yesterday.. .. I had to drop by my new work place in the morning to sign my contract and get my uniforms fitted.. .. The uniform felt huge and weird.. .. I never liked chef uniforms.. .. After that I had to go to Ngee Ann City to get my medical checkup and vaccinations and then I had to go to Orchard Building to get my X-Rays done.. .. By the time I was done, it was already late afternoon.. ..

I can't wait to start work soon.. .. I'm not afraid of the workload but I'm really scared that I won't be able to fit in.. .. A new change of environment is never easy I guess.. .. I remembered when I first joined St. Regis.. .. I was so confused with all the chaos.. .. I got used to it in the end.. .. Well, I hope all goes well.. .. Ira says that Royal Plaza on Scotts was her first choice and she wants to join them after she finished her internship at Shangri-La.. .. I hope she does.. .. Since I'm gonna finish my internship a bit later, I might be able to work alongside her.. ..

A Good Deal

2010-04-13T17:38:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, I can finally start my internship.. .. The chef at Royal Plaza on Scotts accepted my application and HR has already cleared things up with the school.. .. I'll have to drop by tomorrow to try out my uniform, get my medical checkup and hopefully, I'll be able to sign the contract as well.. .. I'll be starting on Monday onwards.. .. I don't know if the place is good but I don't really care anymore.. .. As long as it has a pastry kitchen and I can actually learn something, I'm fine with it.. .. At least it is a five star hotel and the best thing of all is that it's Halal certified.. .. Not to forget, I only work five days a week.. .. Sounds like a good deal.. .. I'm just grateful to get my internship over with.. .. I don't even care what they pay me.. .. Haha.. ..

I hope this will be the start of good things to come.. .. My patience paid off in the end.. .. I'm glad that I never gave up hope.. ..

He Haunts Still

2010-04-13T04:35:00.001+08:00

I just woke up from a nightmare and for some reason I can't go back to sleep because he's on my mind... .. His memories haunts me and it terrifies me.. .. The strangest thing is that my nightmare had nothing to do with him and yet I woke up thinking about him.. .. Why?? I've been fighting so hard to keep him off that part of my consciousness.. .. I go through my everyday life trying to ignore his voice in my head, trying to make myself believe that he can't haunt me any longer.. .. It's bad enough that I can't be with him and now I have his ghost haunting me every second of my life.. ..

I can't seem to hold myself together right now.. .. I'm scared.. .. I made the decision to stay away but every part of me now screams to tell him how I felt all these years.. .. I've come to terms with my feelings.. .. I can't stop loving him and I can't love anyone else.. .. I accepted the fact that we are not meant to be together and I accept the dreadful thought of spending the rest of my life alone.. .. But why does my decision haunts me still?? Isn't it better if one sacrifices for the happiness of another?? Why is there still a huge burden in my heart??

Dear God, I need your guidance more than ever.. .. I'm terribly confused and lost.. .. I don't want to be a coward but I don't want to be a thorn in somebody else's life either.. .. I love him but I know I'm not the one he needs.. .. I can't force myself back into his life.. .. I just want him to be happy.. .. But at what cost?? My own mental instability??

A Valuable Lesson

2010-04-12T23:00:00.006+08:00

I learned a valuable lesson today.. .. I shouldn't take my life for granted.. .. I shouldn't think that life is unfair to me because others struggle just as much as I do and perhaps even more.. ..

It started with a story Shiela told me that affected me deep to my core.. .. She told me about our friend and her family's plight.. .. I've known this girl for quite some time and I must admit, I'm not too fond of her.. .. She tends to be manipulative.. .. Little did I expect that she has a sad story behind her seemingly normal life.. .. However, what affected me is not this girl but rather her mother.. .. Shiela described her as elderly and frail but yet she still has to work to support her family.. .. I can't imagine what her mother is going through.. .. It breaks my heart.. .. Shiela told me that sometimes they can't even afford rice.. .. Shiela tried to help her mother financially once but this girl refused to let her mother accept any help because she felt shame in it but yet, she does nothing to ease her mother's burden and continues to feed off her mother to sustain a lifestyle that they can't possibly afford.. ..

After I heard it, I felt determined to help out however I could.. .. Shiela and I thought that we could help her mother behind the girl's back.. .. It's the right thing to do.. .. We couldn't possibly change our friend's arrogance but the least we could do is to not encourage and tempt her to things she shouldn't have.. .. We faced our own share of hardships.. .. We weren't born with a silver spoon in our mouth but we still had an easy life compared to others out there.. .. I guess I've been selfish to think that life is unfair to me alone.. ..

This story also made me realize my commitment to my parents.. .. I'll never let the same thing happen to them.. .. I want them to have an easy life, just as they worked hard to give me an easy life.. .. God has opened my eyes once again and I'm truly grateful to Him.. ..

Nicotine Withdrawal

2010-04-11T01:44:00.004+08:00

Gosh, I feel dead.. .. My sleep cycle has gone haywire, I've been terribly depressed, I am super, super tired but however, I've just realized that I haven't smoked for over a week!! This is great news!! I've been suffering from nicotine withdrawal all this time and I didn't even realized it.. .. Here I was, wondering what the hell happened to me.. .. Staying home is great!! It makes my withdrawal symptoms easier on me too.. .. I can just lie in bed and rest till it's over.. .. I guess I'm more of a social smoker.. .. That's why I don't really feel a need to smoke when I'm home.. .. I'll work that to my advantage.. ..

I feel much better now that I know what's going on with me.. .. I guess there is always a silver lining in every cloud.. ..

Reflections

2010-04-09T09:57:00.006+08:00

It pains me to say this.. .. I've said it before and I still say it now.. .. I don't think I can ever love again.. .. I've been reflecting on my life and I realize that plenty of men had come and go yet not one managed to open the doors to my heart.. .. Maybe one or two had come close but either they simply fail or events conspired to work against them.. .. For some reason, my heart has been hardwired to love only one man and reprogramming is simply impossible.. .. I don't resent men and I won't turn them away either.. .. I'm only human.. .. But asking me to love again is something I cannot do.. .. Even if I want too.. .. I still have yet to figure out how I'm gonna spend the rest of my life this way but I trust in God's will.. .. If this is my fate then so be it.. ..

I hope that the coming week will be kind on me.. .. I have an interview with Royal Plaza on Scotts on Tuesday.. .. After that bad experience at Hilton, I probably need to start working on what I should say in case I get bombarded with all kinds of questions again.. .. I don't wanna be caught off guard this time.. .. But since I've already lost much faith to begin with, I've come not to expect much anymore.. .. I'm gonna need more than luck and what little faith I have to get through this.. ..

A Glimmer Of Hope

2010-04-09T03:17:00.003+08:00

I've just finished reading 'Dear John' by Nicholas Sparks.. .. To be honest, it wasn't what I expected.. .. I thought it would be a typical romance novel that would probably end up making me feel more depressed than I already am.. .. The reason I even started reading it was because I was curious to see if it will be just at good as 'The Notebook'.. .. I was right.. .. Nicholas Sparks is truly an engaging writer.. .. In fact, I find the book comforting in ways I can't explain.. ..

"Love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be.. .."

I hold these words close to my heart and I believe in them.. .. The only question is whether my will is strong enough to uphold my beliefs.. .. I can't really say.. ..

Anyway, I've been given a glimmer of hope.. .. Maybe this time it'll be for real, maybe not.. .. I don't know what to expect but I'm grateful for what little hope I have right now might just be enough to keep living another day.. .. I admit I've been lost lately.. .. I've sworn not to indulge in negativity but I guess I'm only human.. .. In time, I will find my way back again.. .. That is how things work.. ..

Yet More Frustrations

2010-04-08T09:10:00.002+08:00

This internship problem is really getting to me.. .. I just wanna be that happy and carefree girl once again.. .. Not this depressed and lifeless person.. .. I just don't get it.. .. Why does the rest of my schoolmates get a job so easily while I keep on hitting brick walls after brick walls?? I'm running out of options and and I don't have much time left.. .. I've just lost faith in everything.. .. I don't know if things are gonna get better in the future.. .. Every single opportunity I have just left me.. .. It's like I'm cursed.. .. It sucks even more because I don't have anyone to talk too.. .. My parents don't understand, my friends don't care.. .. I've grown so accustomed to pretending that I'm alright when I'm not in front of others.. .. All I have is this blog to vent out all my frustrations.. ..

I used to have diary.. .. But I tainted it with entries on the rise and fall of my relationship with my ex.. .. There was too much misery.. .. Flipping through it became too painful.. .. Everything was there.. .. Eventually, I stopped writing and kept it hidden along with things that reminds me of him.. .. I can't exactly throw them away.. .. I don't have the heart to.. .. I bet he destroyed every evidence of me in his life.. .. Ignorance is probably one of his best attributes.. .. As much as I really love him, as much as it pains me to see him broken, I admit that he probably deserves every misery he's facing right now.. .. Just as I deserve mine.. .. Oh well, enough talk about him.. .. So anyway, this blog has been my best friend for the last few years.. .. I never told anyone about it only until about a year ago when Syazwan found it and ever since there, all my friends pretty much knew about it already.. ..

Back to my miserable life.. .. I really don't wanna give up on this course.. .. There's too much at stake and I hate doing things half-way.. .. I'm not that person anymore.. .. This is probably my last chance to make up for my past mistakes.. .. I can't fail again.. .. I don't care if everything is pointing to the fact that I may be walking on the wrong path.. .. I just want to finish what I've started and get on with my life.. .. I just hope that fate agrees with me.. .

A Lost Faith

2010-04-08T00:45:00.004+08:00

It does kinda suck when people forget your generosity.. .. I know that being generous means that we don't ask for anything in return but it kinds of bring me down when people don't care.. .. When I was better off, I would gladly treat my friends or help them out when they're in need.. .. Look where I am now.. .. I've gained nothing.. .. This will be a lesson to me.. .. I've lost my faith in the mankind.. .. The truth is, everyone is just selfish.. .. Humanity is doomed and the Quran has foreseen it.. .. I don't even know why I'm living anymore.. .. I have no purpose in life.. ..

I've just receive another bad news.. .. Shangri-La has replied me and they don't have anymore vacancies.. .. I guess this is how it'll be now.. .. Setbacks after setbacks.. .. Why do I even try?? I probably have to get use to this disappointing life of mine.. .. I don't think it's going away anytime soon.. ..

I surrender my fate to God.. .. I don't know what will happen to me next.. .. Maybe as the day goes by, He'll keep on punishing me for all the sins that I've committed.. .. I deserve them.. .. My whole life is based on sins after sins.. .. I've been selfish to ask for a miracle.. .. God is truly almighty.. .. My only hopes that someday, I can redeem myself and earn the right to ask for His forgiveness.. .. What little faith I have, I must hold to it to keep me alive.. ..

Contemplations

2010-04-07T06:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I wish I could run away and live all by myself where no one will dictate me or nag at me endlessly.. .. I hate being the only daughter and I hate being the eldest.. .. My parents expect too much from me and sometimes they get so bias.. .. Their perception is so archaic and obsolete.. .. I don't like this burden.. .. I wish I could fulfill my role as I should but it's simply disappointing when I have no control over my life.. .. I just can't find a way past this brick wall.. .. I want to give up but yet I don't even know how to give up.. .. This is strange and frustrating at the same time.. .. I can't explain myself.. .. I don't think I should contemplate on this.. ..

Anyway, I have no plans today.. .. Yanna and Nana text-ed me asking if I wanna go clubbing tonight but I don't feel like it.. .. However, I think Yatie and Zizi might be going but if they do then probably I will.. .. I haven't seen them for a freaking long time.. .. Shiela said she won't be going but well, she tends to make last minute plans.. .. A habit I am not very fond of but I've been with her for the past four years and I've grown somewhat immune to her behavior.. .. Hey, everyone has bad habits and I'm sure I have my own dark side that others despise.. ..

Uncertainties

2010-04-06T20:08:00.006+08:00

I smile and tell everyone that I'm okay but I'm not.. .. I may appear to be strong but hey, I'm just good at pretending.. .. I'm suffering and even the heartbreak over my ex seems so insignificant over this predicament that I'm going through.. .. My life is at an impasse.. .. All I get is just more setbacks and setbacks.. .. I know that I'm not perfect and perhaps I may have single-handedly brought this wrath upon myself but doesn't everyone deserve a chance to make amends?? I feel so void and incompetent.. .. Like my life has no meaning.. .. I keep telling myself that the sun will shine again but it never does.. .. Am I asking for too much??

I'm afraid that I might suffer a psychiatric break if this keeps going on.. .. I just want to be able to smile and actually mean it.. .. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and actually look forward to the day.. .. I'm depressed and I can't find a way out.. .. I need an absolute solution.. .. Not speculations or delusive contentment.. .. I'm scared.. .. I don't know where my life is going and I've never felt so alone.. .. It's like looking up from the bottom of the pit and seeing my friends and family up there but yet I have no way of reaching them.. .. Even worse, they don't even know I'm down here.. ..

Perhaps I still do have a bit of wavering faith left in me.. .. Perhaps there may be hope.. .. I don't know.. .. I've never been so unsure in my life, so vulnerable.. .. There's only one thing I can do right now.. .. I'll bury my frustrations and fabricate a smile.. .. Life has to goes on.. ..

Desperation

2010-04-05T07:00:00.002+08:00

Some people can be so full of crap.. .. How can one continue to confess undying love for a particular someone but yet go around in search of company?? I'd figured if you know that you only love that someone then you wouldn't exactly go around trying to reel in 'fishes' right?? That doesn't really qualify as undying love does it?? It sounds more like total desperation.. .. I've been surrounded by a lot of these people lately and it irritates me.. .. Forgive me if I'd rather be single for the rest of my life rather than lie to myself just because I feel lonely.. .. The word 'love' apparently holds great meaning to me and I care enough to uphold my beliefs.. .. These acts of denial is just plain wrong.. ..

Well, I guess that is just how the world works.. .. Humanity will never learn from mistakes and they will always keep making new ones.. .. I too regret that I am not above these flaws.. .. I guess there is no point of me debating on this matter any further.. .. However, it pains me when the people I care about behave this way.. .. Most of you will say that it's called 'moving on' but I think that is merely a word to hide the fact that you're desperate.. .. Please, stop this endless cycle!! Stop tainting love's name.. ..

Intoxication

2010-04-04T11:08:00.002+08:00

I am so having a hangover right now.. .. I was pretty high when I got home from Supperclub and my mind unearthed unpleasant thoughts about my ex and I got rather emotional.. .. Luckily, it lasted only while I was intoxicated.. .. I even rambled on and on about how much I love him on this blog but I deleted that post now that I'm sober.. .. Crap.. .. I guess I have to bury my feelings even deeper.. .. I've been trying to keep him away from my consciousness but it's not exactly a simple task.. .. For a time I did succeed and I tell you, my life was SO much enjoyable and peaceful.. ..

Anyway, last night was okay except for the last part when I got emotional of course.. .. I didn't really burst out crying or anything like that.. .. I just lost my mood and ended up sitting alone by the entrance while waiting for Sheila and Nana.. .. Before that I accepted drinks from stranger thrice and Shiela got pissed with me because of that.. .. I was a bit offended but I'm not gonna dwell on that thought.. .. Perhaps she cares.. .. Whatever it is, it's all over and behind me.. ..

Right now, I just wanna concentrate on purging all the alcohol out of my system.. .. I just hope my mom gets home with that bottle of 100 plus soon.. .. I'm so thirsty and dehydrated right now.. .. Isotonic drinks are damn good.. ..

Scorpions - Still Loving You

2010-04-03T01:21:00.004+08:00

If we'd go again
All the way from the start;
I would try to change
The things that killed our love;

Your pride has built a wall so strong
That I can't get through;
Is there really no chance
To start once again;

I'm loving you.. ..

Stay Home Holiday

2010-04-02T18:22:00.002+08:00

Yes!! Fringe's latest episode is finally out!! I can't wait to watch it.. .. It's too bad I don't live in the U.S to watch it air on TV.. .. I'll just have to watch it online.. . Singapore hasn't even aired season 2 yet.. .. I don't see why, it's really gaining popularity in the U.S.. .. Oh well.. ..

Anyway, it's another stay home holiday for me.. .. It's when you're home with everyone.. .. It feels like Sunday.. .. Hehe.. .. I love staying home on Sundays.. .. However, I'd rather be out on a Saturday.. .. I might be going Supperclub again.. .. If my friends are going that is.. .. I'm still deciding if I wanna go or not.. ..

I'd rather go out and shop, watch movies or just hang out with my friends on normal circumstances.. .. However, my financial instability is not allowing me to do any of those things right now.. .. It seems like clubbing on ladies nights is the only way I can satisfy my social needs on a budget.. .. I really hope to put an end to this and get a job soon.. ..

I made a call to Shangri-La yesterday and the person on the phone told me that she'll leave a note to the person in-charge to call me if there are any positions available.. .. I hope they do.. .. These calls always end up being a dead end.. .. I seriously do not want to have to wait till July.. .. I'm starting to regret taking a course in pastry.. .. There is so little demand for pastry interns.. ..

Commitment And Discipline

2010-04-01T23:50:00.000+08:00

Well, I finally dealt with my Communication Skills paper this afternoon and I think I'll be able to score this paper.. .. But I won't get ahead of myself.. .. I did miss the interview test back in term 4 and there's probably no way I'll be able to get a good overall grade for this subject.. .. I blew my K.O project too when I missed the presentation date.. .. Hell, I screwed a lot of things in term 4.. .. I thought of skipping my elective papers at first but now that I thing about it, it might be the only chance I have to save my G.P.A.. .. Life was so much easier back in Secondary School.. .. No matter how much I missed school, I'll still score every exam I've ever had.. .. Well, this is life's way of teaching me commitment and discipline.. .. A simple mistake can ruin everything.. ..

I may have gotten a little emo tonight.. .. I had a conversation with a friend about my ex.. .. He says I should tell him that I love him but I'd rather not because I'm scared.. .. I can't imagine what will happen if I get rejected by the only person I love.. .. I'm safer keeping this distance.. .. The conversation I had with my friend just fires up the desperate hunger I have for my ex.. .. I wish he knew how much he meant to me.. .. I wish he knew that I love him so MUCH.. .. God!! I have to get a grip of myself!! It was just last night when I was falling asleep, I realize that my heart felt so light as if every burden, every worry and every sadness was lifted away from me.. .. Even the thought of my ex didn't disrupt that peace of mind.. .. I won't go back to square one... .. No!!

Referral Nightmare

2010-03-29T12:27:00.003+08:00

I just got home from my K.O referral paper.. .. A major nightmare.. .. I couldn't answer most of the short answer questions at all.. .. The case study caught me off guard too.. .. I really hope it doesn't have to do with the fact that I haven't slept all night.. .. I did study, really.. .. Somehow I just can't focus and remember the things I've studied.. .. I really don't wanna flunk this paper.. .. It's bad enough I had to pay a hefty amount of money to re-take all my papers but I don't want to bring down my G.P.A.. .. I hope I get a C at least for K.O.. .. I've never gotten a C on my transcript before.. .. That's the price I have to pay for the mistakes I've made.. .. It's the least I could ask for.. .. I guess have to study even harder for my next paper.. .. Failure is NOT an option.. ..

Supper Club

2010-03-28T05:33:00.003+08:00

I just got home from Supper Club.. .. We didn't go to Dbl O.. .. The queue was horrifying.. .. We queued for an hour and by then, it was already full house.. .. We saw a few police officers standing by to raid the place too.. .. Raids in Dbl O is never good.. .. Of course, by the time it was already after 11pm and the cover charge is a tad to expensive considering the crowd.. .. So not worth it.. .. Well, I guess my last memory in Dbl O is meant to be a bad one.. .. With my ex in it.. .. Damn.. ..

Supper Club was okay but the dance floor is so stupid.. .. The designers must be retarded to design a dance floor in the middle of the club with the bar at the other end.. .. One can't seem to dance in peace without people trying to move through the dance floor every second.. .. The other room has way more space and cool pyrotechnics but it's trance all the way.. .. I don't like trance music but I love dancing to it in the club.. .. Ironic.. .. The whole place was stuffy but I suppose it's a bit better than Dbl O.. ..

Anyway, I'm pretty high right now.. .. The manager happened to be Shiela's ex-colleague back in New Asia Bar and he gave us a jug of Vodka Cranberry F.O.C just when we were about to go home.. .. Before that we had Baron but mind you, it gets me high faster than any other beer.. .. I'm just glad I got in home in one piece at least and I managed to type out this post properly.. ..

Dbl O's Last Night

2010-03-27T18:14:00.005+08:00

I'm gonna party hard tonight!! Haha.. .. I hope.. .. It's Dbl O's last night so I suppose it's gonna be pretty happening.. .. I never wanted to set foot there again after the last time I went there and got depressed because of my ex but then again, I don't want to remember my last night at Dbl O's as a night I got so depressed, I kept crying and crying outside the club with Yanna and Shiela.. .. I so do not want to relieve that night ever again.. ..

Since so tonight's age limit will be 20 so hopefully no teenage brats today.. .. Gosh, I hate those kids.. .. They've just turned 18 and they act like as if they're all high class adults.. .. Don't even get me started with the minahs and mats.. .. They have no class at all.. .. I remember when I just turned 18.. .. I certainly don't remember being like them.. .. The irony of what the world is turning into.. ..

Well, I just hope everything turns out well tonight.. .. I expect the place to be overcrowded and I don't know what's the music gonna be like but I think all I wanna do is to get drunk and drown all my sorrows away in my last dance on that very dance floor.. ..

Worried

2010-03-23T21:12:00.005+08:00

Well, I didn't go to my SATS interview.. .. I was supposed to reply the HR officer before Friday but I replied on Friday afternoon instead.. .. I got an out of office email the next day so I was too late I guess.. .. I didn't know if I should just go ahead but they probably had to make arrangements first and if she's out of office, I don't think it's gonna be possible.. .. Maybe I could try emailing her again when she returns next week.. .. Seriously my luck is really bad right now.. ..

Sleepless Night

2010-03-22T02:27:00.003+08:00

I'm bored and I can't sleep.. .. Staying home all day sucks.. .. I hope I'll be able to make it to school tomorrow.. .. It should be my last day.. .. Gotta check with Host Life on that.. .. I still can't say goodbye to school yet.. .. My referral papers in a week's time.. .. I'm so freakishly lazy to start mugging on my Kitchen Organization paper.. .. I think I'll be able to handle Communication Skills though.. .. I've already had my notes typed out and printed.. .. I just need to refresh my memory and I'll be okay.. .. I hope.. .. If only I hadn't got barred from my last term papers.. ..

Well, so Liverpool lost again.. .. A disappointment.. .. I really hope those boys would buck up soon.. .. Their last match against Manchester United was pretty awesome.. .. I guess I kinda hope that they'll win it again this time.. .. Doesn't really matter, my loyalty is to Liverpool.. .. They're gonna bring back the glory days again someday.. .. I hope they'll do better with Sunderland next match.. ..

Long Day

2010-03-20T04:05:00.008+08:00

I had a long day.. .. My interview at Hilton didn't go well at all.. .. My interviewer asked me all the questions that I wasn't prepared for.. .. It may sound simple to talk about myself, my qualities, passion and goals but with me being nervous and my mind being blank, all I did was stammer.. .. I probably made no sense.. .. I think I made a bad impression.. .. This is so not good.. .. I've never really thought about what to say if I were to face this kind of questions.. .. I was totally caught off guard.. .. Of course, I knew that it's bound to happen even though my previous interviewers never did ask me such questions.. .. Thinking about the interview is depressing.. .. I will talk about it no more.. ..

I met Sharul, Liyana, Saha and Syakil after the interview and had dinner with the at BBQ Chicken in Cineleisure.. .. The Jerk BBQ chicken is amazingly delicious.. .. I would definitely eat that again the next time.. .. I've walked past the place so many times and I never would have thought that the food would be really good.. .. The place looked so simple and uninteresting.. .. The prices aren't too expensive either... .. After dinner, me and Liyana did some window shopping while waiting for Shiela.. .. Not a good idea when you have no income.. .. It sucks that I can't go shopping anytime soon.. .. I feel like all the clothes, bags and shoes are calling for me!!

After Liyana went home, I accompanied Shiela to dinner and we headed to The Cathay.. .. We wanted to see if there were any good movies showing but none caught our interest so we just did some catching up with our old colleagues and headed for City Hall.. .. There wasn't anything much going on there so we proceeded to Clarke Quay for drinks.. .. We updated each other about things that have happened around us.. .. She told me about Didi and now she fucked him when she saw him two weeks ago.. .. He's a jerk.. .. How I wish I was there to see him in that sorry state.. .. Shiela has made it clear to him and I'm with her a 100%.. .. We will never forgive him EVER.. .. If I ever see him, I won't even lay my eyes on him.. ..

We then had supper at Boat Quay and after another round of drinks and more talks about life, our exes and friends, we headed home around 3am.. .. I haven't stayed out late in a really long time and now I'm officially broke again.. .. Haha.. .. Shiela suggested I join her at Resorts World for the time being.. .. As a service staff of course.. .. Maybe I will.. .. It's been a long time since I've been on the other side.. ..

Fail with honor rather than succeed by fraud.. ..

Charcoal E.C

2010-03-19T00:30:00.003+08:00

I went to my first E.C at Charcoal today!! It was fun.. .. It's Amin's birthday as well so Bernice, Ching Keong, Shawal, Boo and me came down to support him and we surprised him with a birthday cake after we had our main course.. .. Well, just a slice but it's still something I guess.. .. We even ordered a bottle of Australian Shiraz.. ..

The food was terrific.. .. It's definitely much better than the E.C I attended at Rosette two years ago.. .. The theme was Italian and Amin did a pretty good job coming out with authentic Italian dishes.. .. I'm so in love with the white truffle cream sauce.. .. Seriously, I'll have dreams about it for awhile.. .. I felt like I died and went to heaven.. .. I'm already craving for more.. .. Hahaha.. .. The dessert however wasn't up to my expectations though overall, it was still okay.. .. The cannoli's tasted a bit wierd and the gazpacho was a tad too sour.. .. I liked the coffee meringue especially when topped with ice-cream.. .. Windy did put in a lot of effort with those meringues.. ..

I can't emphasize enough on how much I really love food.. .. It's my passion.. .. I'm so glad to be to get all this exposure.. .. Being in Shatec has changed drastically my perception on dining.. .. We hopping to go to a real fine dinning restaurant someday.. .. I'm thinking Iggy's, Les Amis or maybe even Equinox or Jaan.. .. I can't wait for that day.. ..

Conflicting Interviews

2010-03-17T18:59:00.005+08:00

I managed to secure two interview appointments today with SATS and Hilton but they both fall on the same day at the same time.. .. OMG.. .. I had a major dilemma.. .. Of course, from the start I had wanted to work in a hotel rather than a mass production kitchen.. .. Hilton is also on my top list of hotels that I wanna work other than Swissotel.. .. SATS isn't too bad either, they have pretty well known chef and their kitchen has state of the art equipments from what I hear.. .. It's too bad that it's so far away but I wouldn't mind if I had no other choice.. .. I've already emailed SATS and ask if they could reschedule my interview.. .. I really hope that everything will go well.. .. I'm grateful to God for this opportunity.. .. I'm sick of slacking.. .. I need to work again.. .. I wanna do more shopping sprees.. .. Haha.. ..

Good news.. .. I've finally reset my internal clock and I can sleep at night again.. .. Haha.. .. All thanks to school.. .. I had fun at school even though I find some of them behaving a little too imaturely.. .. Well, I don't really care.. .. Maybe it's because Chef Jaymie isn't always available to supervise unlike Chef Zavier.. .. My class did pretty during our production term even though Chef Goh was never around most of the time.. .. We didn't even have the luxury of having SFTs around.. .. I also finally saw Simin.. .. It's good to see familiar faces.. .. Only two more days to go!!

Carefree

2010-03-16T18:49:00.003+08:00

I just got back home from my make up session at school.. .. I'm exhausted but I learned something new though.. .. Hard rolls.. .. Haha.. .. It sounds mundane but we never did any bread during our production term.. .. A lot of our stuff were from Delifrance.. .. Now that Chef Jaymie's in charge, she wanted her students to do everything from scratch.. .. Although it meant more work, they get more hands on experience.. .. Lucky them.. .. I have three more days to go to clearing my make up.. .. I hope I'll be disciplined enough to finish everything within this week.. .. I've been so lazy in clearing my make up despite having no job to commit to.. ..

I SERIOUSLY wanna work!! Luck has not been on my side at all.. .. First I had to face rejection from Swissotel and now Iggy's.. .. I keep emailing but no one replies.. .. I feel so unlucky for goodness sake.. .. Why is it so hard to find a stupid job that I have to commit to for only a year?? Why don't hotels take interns easily?? We're cheap labor, must I emphasize on that?? Besides, I have PLENTY of work experience.. .. What am I doing wrong here??

I'm not gonna get too stress out over this though.. .. I'm wanna maintain a more carefree attitude.. .. Too much pressure is no good.. .. Even my parents and friends are starting to worry about me.. .. I'll just keep praying and have faith that God will help me out soon.. ..

Patience

2010-03-14T01:02:00.005+08:00

Well, I got bad news.. .. I'm not going to Iggy's after all.. .. Adredna told me that they offered her the job.. .. I'm not upset about it.. .. She truly deserves it more than me.. .. It wouldn't have been fair if I got it instead of her.. .. However, I'm not gonna lie to myself.. .. I am really frustrated that I'm still jobless.. .. What's wrong with me?? I feel like I'm the most unlucky person on earth.. ..

Whatever it is, I'm not giving up.. .. I'm glad my determination is still as strong as ever.. .. No matter how many setbacks I may come across, nothing is gonna make me lose hope.. .. It's only a matter of time.. .. I do hope that I'll find something soon.. .. I have to be patient.. ..

Patience is waiting.. ..
Not passively waiting, that is laziness.. ..
To keep going even when the going is hard and slow.. ..
That is patience.. ..

Alice in Wonderland

2010-03-13T00:06:00.000+08:00

I just got home from a movie with Adredna, Adeline, Shawal, Boo, Bernice and Alfan.. .. We watched Alice in Wonderland.. .. I never liked the original story but the movie was better then I expected.. .. It's actually a sequel to the original story.. .. An older Alice who came back to Wonderland to end the Red Queen's reign.. .. To be honest, I dislike the characters in Alice in Wonderland.. .. Not even when I was a kid.. .. They were all pretty ridiculous too me.. .. Except for the cat.. .. I love cats.. ..

Despite never liking this particular fairytale, I actually enjoyed the movie.. .. It was totally hilarious, exciting and the effects were spectacular.. .. I love the part when Alice falls down the rabbit hole and I felt like I was falling too.. .. I wished we had watched the 3D version instead.. .. It would have been way more awesome.. .. Even though thhe day wasn't all that great due to misunderstandings between my friends, at least I did enjoyed the movie and I get to see my Cathay ex-colleagues.. .. I miss working with them but hey, life has got to move on.. ..

Walking Day

2010-03-12T14:42:00.000+08:00

The interview at Goodwood Park Hotel wasn't what I expected.. .. I felt like I was interrogated rather then interviewed.. .. The premises looked pretty creepy to me.. .. I have to go through a second interview if I get selected.. .. It doesn't look too good to me.. .. I think I should call Iggy's next week and ask if they decided to hire me.. .. I'm still wishing that they could hire both me and Adredna.. ..

Anyway, I met Shawal and Bernice after the interview and I accompanied them to Charcoal since I had to wait for Liyana.. .. I bumped into Zizi on our way there.. .. I haven't seen him in a long time.. .. Haha.. .. We just hung out at Charcoal and after Liyana came, the both of us headed to Dallas Chicken at Dhobby Ghaut and had our dinner with Sharul.. .. The fried chicken is pretty nice but it didn't win Arnold's.. .. Gosh, I'm craving for some Arnold's chicken now.. ..

After dinner, we headed to ION and I got a chance to survey for boots!! I found the perfect one at New Look!! It's definitely cheaper that the $200 boots at Takashimaya.. .. I'm so getting that soon.. .. After trying on shoes, we dropped by dr. CAFE for desserts.. .. Sharul's treat.. .. It was definitely a major sugar rush.. .. Imagine four super sweet drinks and cakes when there's only 3 of us.. .. Total indulgance, I must say.. .. I really love the cheesecake.. .. I must have some again.. ..

Right now, I'm so exhausted for all the walking.. .. I actually walked from Orchard to City Hall and then to Dhoby Ghaut and back to Orchard.. .. Thank God I wasn't wearing heels.. .. Haha.. .. Gonna catch a movie with the Shatec peeps tomorrow.. ..

Pros and Cons

2010-03-11T00:00:00.010+08:00

I'm a little pissed.. .. I had really wanted to go for a couple of drinks and enjoy myself tonight but my plans didn't materialize.. .. Perhaps this is just tell tale signs that I should put my nightlife behind me for good.. .. Personally, I don't think an occasional night out is wrong but I suppose my mindset needs a little rewiring.. .. I haven't spent a night out for a few months now and I'm doing good.. .. Besides, I'm almost 22 and I had my fair share of fun.. .. There are other ways to have fun.. .. Speaking of which, I'm hoping to meet some of my ex-colleagues tomorrow.. .. If we do meet, I'm gonna have so much fun.. .. It's been a long time and I miss them so much.. .. Ah, the good old times.. ..

Anyway, Goodwood Park Hotel called me and I've got an interview with them tomorrow.. .. Not my first choice but hey, it's still a five star hotel.. .. It does have well acclaimed specialties in the pastry department but here's the catch.. .. It's based on the most repulsive fruit that God has ever created.. .. Durians.. .. Sad huh?? I can't imagine working with durians when I can't even bear the horrible smell.. .. But I guess I have to evaluate the pros and cons before I can decide.. .. That is of course, if they offer me a contract.. .. If the working hours isn't bad and the working environment isn't too harsh then I don't see why I shouldn't take on the offer.. .. Besides, as tempting as Iggy's sound, I think Adredna deserves that job more than me.. ..

Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament

* George Santayana *

Dream Logic

2010-03-10T16:43:00.005+08:00

I had a call this morning and I missed it because I was asleep.. .. Damn!! Well, I didn't know who it was actually.. .. I tried calling back and I got the operator instead.. .. I thought I heard her say Ritz-Carlton Millenia, which is ironic because they repeatedly replied my emails by saying that they can't offer me any position.. .. Well, anyway I can't trace back who the call came from and the operator told me I'll just have to wait till the caller calls me back again.. .. What a waste.. .. There goes an opportunity.. .. Well, I sure hope that he or she will call me back again.. ..

Anyway, I had the weirdest dream last night that I got married to some random guy but somehow, it felt really awesome.. .. There I was standing right next to this guy who probably doesn't even exist.. .. I had on the most beautiful dress and it was magical.. .. The whole dream was surreal.. .. It's the kinda dream that you could wake up and smile to yourself.. .. They say sometimes dreams do come true.. .. Having said that, I did had a dream that came true a few days ago.. .. I won't say what it was actually but creepy much??

Theoretically, dreams are a manifestation of the subconscious mind.. .. So the dream I had last night could might as well be something that I want.. .. Well, who doesn't want a fairytale wedding?? Haha.. .. Of course, I really can't explain why the other dream I had came true and I'm not gonna dwell into it either.. .. It's not the first time it happened and this is just how it works.. .. Some things just can't be explained.. ..

No Worries

2010-03-09T14:01:00.006+08:00

Well, so I've been spending my days at home mugging and typing out notes for my referral papers, editing my favorite episodes and burning them to DVD.. .. It's amazing how these things can take up most of my day.. .. I can definitely do a lot of things sitting in front of this inferior and plain looking laptop.. .. Of course, my desktop is way more awesome in terms of power and usability but the laptop gives me flexibility of doing work wherever I want.. ..

People are asking me if I'm worried that I still haven't secured a placement for my internship.. .. Well, I'm trying not to bother stressing myself out.. .. What's the point anyway.. .. The job is not gonna come to me if my hair turns white.. .. I need patience.. .. Besides, I'm still waiting for Iggy's to decide.. .. Adredna told me yesterday that they're asking her to do her trial this Saturday.. .. That probably means that I'm gonna have longer to get the answer.. .. It could also mean that they're only gonna take in one of us.. .. I'm trying to look for any other options just in case.. ..

Oblivion is sometimes the only way
one can achieve peace of mind.. ..

Mind Blowing Exhaustion

2010-03-06T21:57:00.003+08:00

I'm exhausted.. .. I worked a full split shift at Iggy's yesterday and my body is aching all over right now.. .. Mind you, I'm not a stranger to long hour shifts.. .. Hell, I've worked a countless of shifts that lasted more than 12 hours back in Cathay.. .. But that was quite some time ago.. .. So I guess my body's needs major adjustments.. .. I had a pretty good experience at Iggy's though.. .. It's much, much different that working in a hotel production.. .. It's more exciting in fact.. .. I just wished that the hours weren't that crazy.. .. Anyway, I don't know if I passed the trial.. .. Chef Andy said that he's gonna talk to Iggy on Monday and he'll let me know the outcome of it.. .. If I do get it though, I'm so afraid of how I'm gonna survive the whole year there.. ..

Despite the exhaustion, I didn't sleep the whole night watching Fringe episodes back to back.. .. Gosh, I'm obsessed with that show.. .. It's amazing how they can conceive scientific explanations to every 'supernatural' occurrence.. .. The idea of fringe science is mind blowing.. .. I can't begin to imagine if one of those theories could be proved and established.. .. Even in our reality, there are theories that had their origins as fringe science.. .. I know, the idea of it is crazy and highly unorthodox but I think it's pretty cool.. .. The world is getting much more advanced each day.. .. We might never know.. .. What we use to think as fiction might one day be a fact.. ..