Giving Up On Men

Gosh, it's one after another.. .. Every guy that I met never turned out right.. .. Do I have some kinda aura that seemed to repel men?? I know I'm still in love with my ex.. .. But that doesn't mean I don't want to move on with another guy.. .. My ex will always have a special place in my heart but every girl needs a someone to be by her side.. .. Am I doomed to be alone forever?? Maybe I should just give up.. .. Maybe that is what fate wants for me.. .. It's either my ex or none at all.. .. Sighs.. .. At least I still have my friends.. .. They light up my life I guess.. ..

I got a reply from Hilton Hotel.. .. The human resource manager said he has forwarded my email and resume to the pastry kitchen.. .. I hope it's a good sign that they haven't hire anyone yet.. .. But I'm sure it won't be long before they start hiring.. .. I really wanna get an internship with a hotel.. .. At least I'll learn more.. .. Jolly Frog seems like a good place but I don't think I'll learn anything much in a restaurant.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 4:27 AM

A Heart Of Stone

My heart is shattered.. .. What is the point of loving someone when it's only a one way street?? Why does the heart think differently than the brain?? Why keep loving someone when the other just makes your feel down again and again?? Why is love so blind?? Does love even exist?? Or is it just a game played on all of us.. .. To see who survives and who doesn't.. .. Who ends up with a broken heart and who lives happily ever after in bliss?? Can I opt out of this game?? I want a heart of stone just so that I can keep living in this cruel world. .. Because it's reality.. .. Only the toughest survives.. .. Weaklings like me will end up in destruction.. .. A sad story in a forgotten book.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 2:05 AM

Kau ilhamku

This is a really old song but everytime it still brings me to tears.. ... This is for the man that I've always love.. .. I love you.. .. Even if you're not a part of my life anymore.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 6:45 PM

As Long As It's YOU

I LOVE YOU!! How do I tell you this?? I can't!! I promised myself that I'll never bother your life again.. .. I made this painful sacrifice for YOU!! I wanted you to be happy and if leaving me made you happy then I willing set you free.. .. Even if you never said any goodbyes.. .. It's painful watching you for the past two years, knowing that you've moved on with your life.. .. Seeing you with other people.. .. It brought me down really hard.. .. Yet I kept telling myself that maybe it's just fate.. .. So what if my love for you is stronger than anything else.. .. If fate won't let us be together than there's nothing I can do.. ..

I know the one you love has hurt you yet again.. .. I wish I could be there for you to listen to your grief, to tell you that it's okay.. .. I wish I could take away all your pain.. .. I want to be the one to cheer you up.. .. I don't want to be your ex-girlfriend.. .. I want to be your friend.. .. I loved you even when we were still friends.. .. I spent two long years keeping it to myself.. .. I told myself that I'm okay with it as long as I had you in my life.. .. Even if we're just friends.. .. I didn't even felt the need of looking for a boyfriend.. .. When you asked me to be your girlfriend, I was worried that things would change between us.. .. What if the relationship didn't work out?? Will I lose you forever?? I was right.. .. You told me that we'll still stay friends if we ever broke up but in the end, I lost you for good.. ..

I don't know if I'll have you back in my life.. .. The chances are just too slim.. .. But I still wait.. .. Every guy that has come and go in my life, maybe there is one or two who captured my heart.. .. But none of them will ever be you.. .. For four years, I love only you.. .. Maybe I'm blind but it's okay.. .. As long as it's YOU.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 11:59 PM

Karma

Last night's BBQ session was okay.. .. But a lot of things spoiled our day.. .. Especially these stupid underage matreps who created trouble.. .. I won't do anything but if they dare try anything funny with either one of us, they're screwed.. .. Anyway, I guess we still enjoyed ourselves.. ..

I saw your Facebook status.. .. I guess this is what they call Karma.. .. Now you know how I feel for the past two years.. .. You abandoned me, I still loved you all these while and you pretended I didn't even exist.. .. Now SHE is abandoning you.. .. I'm not feeling contented or satisfied that you got hurt even though I know you really deserved it.. .. It doesn't make me feel any happier to see you in pain.. .. I love you.. .. I just wish that you could open your eyes and see that I could love you much, much more than see ever could.. .. If she really loved you then she'll never do what she did.. .. I'll never let you suffer that way.. .. You mean so much to me.. .

I miss you every single day of my life.. .. I sacrificed my happiness and suffered in silence so that you could lead your life the way you want to.. .. Have I ever bothered you all these time?? I don't think so.. .. WHY can't you see that??

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 2:29 AM

I Love You

I feel sad for you.. .. You say you're happy but I know you're not.. .. Why are you so blind?? Loving someone who keeps on hurting you over and over again?? What hurts me the most is knowing that I can love you much, much more than she ever could but yet I never had the chance to prove my love for you.. .. Your gave up on me and you never gave me the chance.. .. I know I was naive and I didn't treat you the way that you deserved but I will never even think of doing what she did to you.. .. I would give up my life for you!!

I know I can never hope that you'll ever love me again and it kills me.. .. Why am I the one who's not able to move on?? Why do I keep getting hurt over and over again?? I had flings after flings but I still can't get over you.. .. The past two years have been a nightmare.. .. But the lessons that I've learned thought me so much.. .. I know I have to keep on trying.. .. I can't keep on hoping for you, dear.. .. I need to give someone else a chance.. .. But I really hope that you'll open your eyes one day and see that the love I had for you was pure and true.. .. I may be with someone else right now but deep down, you'll the only one that I truly love.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 2:04 AM

What A Night

I went to Dbl O last night with Shiela and Aidil.. .. It was totally last minute.. .. We joined Zizi once inside.. .. Yeah, he's no longer with the bitches.. .. But I was fucking pissed when suddenly those bitches appeared out of nowhere.. .. Zizi was pissed too at first but he still talked to them but only for a while.. .. Thank goodness those bitches left early.. .. I hate their fucking faces.. .. A lot happened and I found out so much in one night.. .. Haha!! Yat was there too with some girl who looked a lot like Baby.. .. WTH.. .. Anyway, I'm just glad for once thing.. .. Zizi's back.. .. I miss hanging out with him and Shiela together.. .. The three of us hung out at Raffles Place till the first train.. .. We smoked some expired weed.. .. Haha.. .. We didn't really feel the high.. .. I wanna do it again sometime.. ..

I seriously have no idea where to go for my internship.. .. I got an offer at Jolly Frog restaurant with Amsyar and Adredna.. .. The chef and manager are Amsyar's friends.. .. It looks like a good working environment and me and Adredna are really gonna get involved in planning the menu and coming out with new desserts and creations.. .. Plus the hours will never be as hectic as working in a hotel.. .. Still, I really don't know if I should go for it.. ..

Maybe I should just take up the offer at Jolly Frog.. .. Working in hotels is just too tiring.. .. I've had first hand experience from working in St. Regis already.. .. Besides, all the good hotels have already hired most of my classmates.. .. They are gonna pay me a little bit better at Jolly Frog.. .. Most of my seniors actually advised me not to got to hotels.. .. However, I do wanna work in a good hotel when I graduate and have enough experience.. .. Now I just need to go to a trial at Jolly Frog next week.. .. I'm so scared.. .. I really have no idea what I should do.. .. Hope it goes well.. ..

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 5:48 PM

Insomnia

I can't sleep right now.. .. I'm afraid to sleep.. .. I have to get ready for school in two hours and I know I can't wake up.. .. I HAVE to go to school for my make up at production.. .. But God, I'm so tired.. .. I toss and turn and yet I still can't sleep.. .. WHY?? I'm so stressed out.. .. I still got no internship contract and things are so not looking good.. ..

I was really hoping for St. Regis but my last working day didn't go very well.. .. Aili was there and the executive chef himself , Chef Frederic asked her to do her internship at St. Regis.. .. She told him that she already got a contract at Raffles but he insisted and even wanted to talk to the chef at Raffles not to take her in.. . My hopes just shattered and I wanted to cry but I tried really hard to control myself.. .. He obviously likes her because she's pretty, sexy and charismatic.. .. I'm just an ugly girl with NOTHING.. .. Aili told him that I'm still looking for an internship and he could take me instead but he said that he asked her first and it's not that he doesn't like me, no hard feelings.. ..

Well, this is reality.. .. Some people think so low to take in someone for their looks and not how they work.. .. It's not that Aili isn't good in her work.. .. I don't hate her or anything.. .. I really do like her.. .. But the world is so unfair.. .. Some people just get everything.. .. I know that no matter what happens she will still do her internship at Raffles but that incident just demoralized me.. .. Grace told me that she will help me talk to the pastry chef about my internship.. .. I'm still not putting up any hopes.. ..

Amsyar called me earlier and said that he talked to the chef at Jolly Frog and recommended me and Adredna.. .. It was really nice of him.. .. I think I have a chance there but I was really hoping to do my internship at a hotel instead of a restaurant.. .. I don't look down on restaurants but hotels will give me a higher chance to stay with them and work in their overseas branch when I graduate and have enough experience.. .. I really don't wanna stay in Singapore any longer.. .. Restaurants are lest tiring than hotel but it's more confined.. .. The last time at St. Regis, I got a first hand experience to work in the pastry kitchen for the second half of my full day shift and God, it was damn tiring.. .. Maybe I was already tired for working since morning at the hot kitchen and I was already lacking of sleep but I was really tired.. ..

I really don't know which path to take.. .. One path is gonna suck the life out of me but gives me a lot of options to advance and widen my opportunities.. .. The other is something that will be less tiring but I won't go far in my career path.. .. Dear God, please give me sign.. .. Where should I go??

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 4:01 AM

First Day Of Make Up

I finally did my make up at Charcoal.. .. I still have two more days to go.. .. Thirteen days at production.. .. Damn.. .. I have no choice.. .. I need to start fixing things.. .. I'm worried about my referral exams.. .. I heard there's a deadline to pay for it and I don't think I'll manage to save up that much in such a short time.. .. If I don't pay for it before the deadline, it'll cost me $300 per paper.. .. What the fuck is wrong with this school?? How can they charge $3oo for one fucking paper just because they don't pay for it before the deadline?? Plus, I thought I'm only allowed to take the referral papers next term.. .. Why should I pay this early?? I really hope there's a way around this.. .. I need to check with the school tomorrow I guess.. .. I still haven't seen Chef Goh about the WSQ test yet.. .. Sighs.. .. Like it or not, it's all my fault and I have to fix what I screwed up all by myself.. ..

I made a wish at Esplanade on those white balls that the will set afloat at Marina Bay for New Year.. .. I made a wish last year.. .. Didn't came true of course but we'll I wasn't specific.. .. I think I wished for love and happiness.. .. Well, I do feel loved and I am happy at times.. .. But of course I had something else in mind.. .. This time, I was damn specific on what I wanted.. .. Me and Ad had the whole ball to ourselves and wrote everything that we wanted for 2010.. .. I even wrote a letter to my ex about how much I miss and will always love him even though we both have separate lives and lovers.. .. I really do.. .. I hope he'll be happy always.. .. I know that I may never have him back but that doesn't mean I'll stop loving him.. .. He has a special place in my heart that no other man will ever have.. ..

I'm going Rebel tomorrow.. .. I almost bought that Club Marc jacket but the store was closing and Ad and Shawal say we should buy it another day.. .. There's this sale offer where you get any 3 items for $49 and it's just too good to resist.. .. I was hopping to wear it tomorrow.. .. Sighs.. .. Buying on impulse is never good.. .. Maybe some patience will do me some good.. .. Anyway, I've been trying to get Rosli to go clubbing with me but he's always saying he'll see how it goes.. .. It's alright with me if he doesn't.. .. Haha.. .. Shiela's been trying to plan a double date for the four of us.. .. Haha!! Me, Rosli, Shiela and Yat.. .. No idea when but hopefully this Saturday.. .. I'm not that excited about it but well, I've gotta give it a chance right?

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 11:46 PM

St. Regis

I had fun working at St. Regis.. .. Even though I did the hot side mostly.. .. Haha.. .. I did get to step into the pastry kitchen to help plating the desserts.. .. GOSH!! I seriously wanna get attached there.. .. I heard that it's a six star hotel actually.. .. Extremely expensive and luxurious.. .. I can tell that by how they plate everything individually even in banquet dinners unlike most hotels.. .. The way they plate is also unique and creative.. .. It was a freaking awesome experience.. .. I'm surprised I actually survived fifteen hours in the hot kitchen.. .. Everyone has to work fast and it's more happening that pastry.. ..

Don't get me wrong, I still love pastry.. .. But today's experience's gave me hope that I belong in this field.. .. I hope I proved to Chef William Tan that I can work and he could depend on me.. .. I was the only girl in the kitchen today and I think I did pretty well.. .. I'm sure they expected me to be weak like most girls but surprisingly the chefs treated me no different than the other staffs.. .. They didn't look down on me.. .. I really hope he will help me get the internship offer.. .. The fact that he wants me to come back and help next week does mean something right?? I will prove to him that I can do it!! I'm versatile and I can work anywhere!! Haha!! Chef William actually represented Singapore and won Bocuse d'Or culinary competition twice!! He's amazing!! I'm so lucky to get to work with him today.. ..

I'll be really sad if I don't get the internship offer.. .. I saw Vidya during my interview and my heart just sank.. .. Her results are so much better than me and she has perfect attendance.. .. My only chance is to prove to the chefs by showing them that I can work and not by my transcripts and performance at school.. .. Not that my results are that bad.. .. It's above average for goodness sake.. .. Oh please God, give me this chance!!

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 1:46 AM

DRUNK, DRUNK, DRUNK!!

Well, last night was crazy.. .. I went drinking with Shiela, Helmi and Aza.. .. I was suppose to treat the drinks of course.. .. But we ended up getting more than what I paid for.. .. Haha!! 10 cans of Carlsberg, 4 cans of Tiger, 4 bottles of Peach Barcardi Breezer and 3 bottles of Blackcurrent Vodka.. .. I spent only $40 including food and cigarettes.. .. Unbelieveable.. .. Everything would have cost more than $100.. . Haha!! All thanks to Helmi and Aza for their connections.. .. I can't say how they got it of course.. .. Hehe.. ..

Aza got DRUNK!! Shiela says she has never seen him that drunk.. .. I'll take her words for it.. .. He is chaotic.. .. But all was fun.. .. I was super drunk by dawn when the sun was already up.. .. Sadly, I made a mistake of hooking up with Helmi!! OMG.. .. What is wrong with me?? Why have turned into a man-nizer now?? Going from men to men and hooking up with them like I've got no dignity.. .. I know I'm not that sort of girl.. .. It doesn't make it okay that Helmi is my ex and it doesn't make it okay that we're both drunk either.. .. I just hope that he will treat this as a one time thing.. .. I really don't want him to think otherwise.. .. Worse, he has a girlfriend and he's Shiela's brother for God's sake?? I don't want history to repeat itself.. .. I seriously don't know why I'm like this.. .. I've gone from bad to WORSE!!

I'm forever yours, faithfully ; 4:49 PM

Rakinah ♥

Legally 21

Sembawang

Student/Pastry Chef Intern

Royal Plaza on Scotts

Shatec Institutes - DPB109A

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